Free money!
May 6, 2008
Yeay! There's nothing better than a free giveaway especially when it's cold, hard cash. Well if you are expecting a stimulating rebate from the government, unfortunately it will be in the form of a flimsy paper check, or even more boring, 0s and 1s that travel magically into your checking account. So it's really the internet that has your money, not you. LAME! It's too bad they don't offer your reward in the form of a burlap bag with a $ symbol on the side with literally cold, hard and heavy GOOOLD inside. Otherwise I so would have checked that option.
So what is there worth doing with $600? Undecided if you want to spend or save? Let a complete stranger on the internet decide for you!
For "responsible" "adults":
- GOOD: Let the internet keep guard of your money in an "account" and never even physically get to hold it
- BETTER: Turn it into gold bullion, which is definitely a safe investment: people will always like to swim in gold coins
- BEST: Turn it in for Euros, you'll thank me later
- BESTEST: Purchase 5 barrels of oil. Hoard until society reaches Mad Max 2 levels and then become the richest and most powerful person in the world!
For irresponsible splurgers:
- GOOD: a posh drinking party for you and 10 friends at Imbibe. This will go quickly, much more quickly than you would think.
- BETTER: Buy a Wii, an XBox360 and, well you might be able to only afford one game after that so choose wisely
- BEST: rent a carnival for the day including blowup ball pits, go carts, tilt-a-whirl and the freak show
- BESTEST: BUY THE TILT-A-WHIRL
For the debtors:
- GOOD: Pay off the late utility bills (or singular bill if you had your thermostat above 62 degrees at some point this winter)
- BETTER: Pay off a chunk (chip?) of student or car loan
- BEST: Pay off your running tab at the gas station
- BESTEST: Pay off your dealer and kick the habit!
For the college partiers:
- GOOD: Totally stock up your wet bar, learn "mixology" and become the most popular kid in the dorm/frat/apt
- BETTER: Huge KEG PARTY WOO
- BEST: HUGE KEG AND FOAM PARTY WOO
- BESTEST: HUGE KEG FOAM AND ZOO ANIMAL PARTY WOOOO
There will most definitely be some businesses out there waiting to scam you out of your precious newfound cash. WARNING! Be alert as they prey on people using flashy signs and pretty colored ads. JUST SAY NO!
- NO! You do not need a McDonalds Big Mac party for you and 200 of your closest friends
- NO! Do not put a $600 down payment on that quarter of a mill house in Hubbard. When the lenders say you can afford it, you can't
- NO! Buy one get one free flat screens at Wal*mart. Rollback prices can often refer to "rolled off the back of the truck so we can put them on clearance" prices
- NO! 600 scratch off lotto tickets will not make back the money you put in, plus your fingers will be stained with that grimey silver stuff and your soul will be stained with shame
- NO! "Want to turn your $600 into millions? Start your own internet business, I can tell you how! You need only send a $599 deposit for your first batch of inventory of our great products that you can sell for up to 5000% of its value..."
I wish you luck, whichever monetary endeavor you embark upon in the upcoming month. If it's not wise, it better damn well be fun!
Entry tools
About this entry
- No one has blogged about this entry yet.
- This entry has been recommended 0 times.
i am going to use it to buy things online without paying sales tax
Comment not rated
Your bestest ideas are pretty amazing.
Comment not rated
STOP: LOOK: & LISTEN:
This is not free money!!! You are paying it back in more ways than one. In six (6) weeks, I would have already paid more in taxes than what they gave me; with 18 cents per gallon of gasoline going to the federal government, you would have paid that back in a matter of weeks; And even if you save it (<----a joke in itself) You are still spending money so you aren't saving anything. I put over $500 in a month in gasoline in my minivan, so where's the savings? The only thing this 'stimulus' check is stimulating is pure adrenialized stupidity on thinking you have FREE MONEY!!!
Comment not rated
and that is why this is satire, and not real. mz virgo luv continues to remind me of jackie harvey from the onion's 'outside scoop.' like, 'i heard that clay aiken might be gay! they should call him GAYken!'
and you forgot to point out how we borrowed the money from china. hey, i heard they oppress people!
people who live in glass minivans shouldnt pretend they are socioeconomic groupies.
Comment not rated
north side girl. You really don't know me do you? I am nothing like you say. And where the hell did that GAYken comment come from. Girl, or guy which ever you might be. I have five kids so first off, I have to drive a minivan and secondly, I am too much into my family, education and working for a living to play games. You are right about one thing though, this is satire. Nothing in this town in real, or fun(nny). So, before you throwing words around, know whom to throw them to. Have a nice day!!!! I am, with my air conditioned MINIVAN!!!!
Comment not rated
christ on the cross
Comment not rated
Post a comment