The Christmas Video Cavalcade

By: Bob Mackey

« Back to Blog Is A Four Letter Word | RSS
December 16, 2007

Welcome to this week’s arrangement of Christmas-themed YouTube videos which will probably be taken down tomorrow for copyright infringement. I’m glad you could make it! With finals behind me and Christmas just on the horizon, I felt it would be appropriate to write another Christmas article that didn’t use too many of those words I’ve grown to hate over the past few weeks. And I’m sure you, the reader, will appreciate my decision. In conclusion, here are some videos.

You know it’s time for laughs when Gary Coleman, one of our modern superstars of irony, shows up right at the beginning of a music video. Who would have thought that N*Sync would ask what he was talking about, turning the tables on the young wisecracker while at the same time using a catchphrase from a show people remember less than Mr. Belvedere. I can only assume Todd Bridges’ prison cell was full of laughter that Christmas.

Listen, I know as well as you that boy band jokes were overplayed by 1999. But it’s still amazing to see that something this corny could have been so popular just a decade ago. In our current, hyper-ironic times, nothing this stupidly earnest and full of treacle could possibly appeal to anyone. Some blame 9/11, but I blame Santa’s rear-projection sled that somehow only travels sideways. I think after seeing that we all became a little disillusioned with the world.

Welcome to charity in Reagan’s America, where the people helping are more important than the people being helped! For a fun game, try to count all of the Africans in this video.

“Dear Africa,

Boy, your continent sure is a hellhole. You probably don’t even know it’s Christmas—I mean, Christ! How could you not know that? Also, I read you don’t even have snow. Ugh! We feel really bad that you can’t share our culture, and since you can’t pray to our God, we’ll do it for you. We’ve got your back!

Love,

Boy George and His Friends"

PS- Here is a video of me and my friends singing and goofing around, hope this helps.”

Off of the Downfall of Western Civilization Soundtrack: Christmas Edition comes Janice Dickinson’s take on a Christmas classic! I’m not exactly sure who she is, but I think she set feminism back so far that women won’t be allowed to vote next year. Thanks, Janice; those Church parking lots can get awfully full come Election Day!

The concept of “character who wants cereal but can’t get cereal” used to be an omnipresent force on Saturday mornings. But, while Fruity Pebbles was part of a balanced breakfast, this conflict between Fred and Barney never really fit within The Flintstones’ continuity. I mean, Barney had a job; he could afford a 3-dollar box of cereal. The only logical conclusion—given the lack of Betty and Wilma—is that these commercials take place just as an Ice Age is killing off most of Bedrock, leaving the survivors to fight over the few remaining boxes of cereal. Prove me wrong.

I never realized it before, but Linus is one of those, “Let me talk to you about Jesus” guys, except he has his own spotlight. At least when you run into someone like him at a party, you can spill wine all over yourself and slowly back away into a nearby bathroom or plate glass window. I don’t remember what happens after the above clip, but I’m pretty sure Charlie Brown awkwardly changes the subject. Then Linus passes out Jack Chick tracts and it starts to get ugly (Schroeder is Jewish).

For a long period of time, Christmas commercials meant sappy narratives told in the space of 30 seconds. In retrospect, this one is terrifying; and if you’ve read/seen Stephen King's It, it doesn’t take much imagination to assume that Ronald is going to tear that one kid into pieces when the commercial is over. That’s not the only bad news here; McDonald’s is also sending one dangerous message: if you and your friends go ice skating without any parental supervision and find a gregarious clown, go ahead and play with him. In fact, hold his hand. I guess people of the time were too concerned about the epidemic of kids locking themselves in abandoned refrigerators, so they let this one slip by. Look at the statistics of clown molestations in the 1980s and you’ll realize the damage that McDonald's has done.

That’s all for now. Join me next week to learn what Christmas is really about: shoveling.