Fashion Watch 2007

By: Bob Mackey

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November 17, 2007

A lot of important things happened this year: some people were elected, some people died, there was still a war, and the world was blessed by a fifth Britney Spears album, thereby completing the necessary requirements for “endtimes.”  More important than all of these events, however, is the world of fashion.  Scoff if you will, but during the next Presidential Election, don’t be surprised if you’re wearing clothes.  Fashion is an inescapable force of nature; just think of how many people you know that dress themselves every morning.  Now, multiply this number by a million.  I bet you feel pretty stupid now, hmm?

Today, we’re going to take a look at what was hot and not in the world of fashion in 2007, and I will be your guide.  Yes, I may have exclusively worn promotional video game t-shirts for a good portion of this decade, but I’ve seen the E! network a few times and that makes me more than qualified to be a fashion expert and to make out with dudes.  Let’s begin!

Empire Waistlines – NOT!

In case you’re not familiar with empire waistlines, allow me to explain: they were invented in a nightmarish alternate universe where a woman’s hips were found directly below her breasts.  The empire waistline is by no means a new idea; most people know them best in the form of maternity clothes.  They were invented in an age when, thanks to war, famine, and the killing sprees of Fatty Arbuckle, women would have to become pregnant at a moment’s notice in order to keep our nation strong.  In our modern times, what with too many babies and pregnancy as nature’s most horrifying argument against the extended adolescence of men, empire waistlines are useless and deceiving.  Ladies, our media is engineered to make you all insecure, eating disorder-sufferers in constant, hostile competition with each other; you can at least hold up your end of the agreement.  With empire waistlines, you’re able to hide everything but your boobs under a baggy veil of mystery, and that’s just not fair.

Thigh-High Wading Boots – HOT!

Move over, Ugg Boots!  I have no time for your Eskimo role-playing games.  Thigh-high wading boots boldly tell the world, “I am ready for fashion and fishing!”  For years, women have been insecure about their feet, and thigh-high wading boots have been 2007’s solution to this problem.  This ingenious piece of fashion doesn’t just hide the feet; it also protects them from the dreaded “trench rot.”  Anyone who has worn high-heel shoes for an extended period of time can admit to being ashamed of their battered and bruised toes -- but just try telling your date why you have to saw off your gangrenous limbs at the end of a weekend-long fly fishing retreat.  You can’t.

Notable wearers of thigh-high wading boots include Lindsay Lohan, who showed up at this year’s Emmys wearing only said boots and blood smeared across her face in decorative tribal patterns.  That night, she overturned many cars in the parking lot and bit off Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s left ear.  You go, girl! 

Giant Novelty Sunglasses – NOT!

If you’re a white trash scumbag, surely you can relate to the joy of wandering into a Spencer’s Gifts boutique, slapping on a pair of neon-colored giant novelty sunglasses, and calling your trailer brood over to witness the spectacle.  Apparently, this fad has become so common that it’s been adopted by your high-class socialites like Paris Hilton and Debbie Gibson.  Aren’t they rich enough to know better?  Ladies, let’s get one thing straight: when you wear giant novelty sunglasses, you either look like an insect or an infant; and you’re going to do nothing but attract men who are sexually attracted to these things – and bagging a man attracted to the latter may cause some unforeseen problems should decide you start a family.

Giant novelty sunglasses do have one practical application, though; if you happen to be an abused housewife, the fact that these sunglasses hide 80% of your face will make your trips into the outside world much easier to handle.  But don’t think you won’t be getting scorn from me by doing so! 

The Denim Jumpsuit – HOT!

Who could forget Calista Flockhart’s stunning entrance into the 2007 Concert for Tom Cruise and Maybe Bangladesh if We Have Time in this snazzy number?  The denim says “I’m ready to ride a motorcycle cross-country!” and the jaunty little neckerchief says “But I won’t go too fast because I’m a girl!”  The flattering shape of denim is back, and I couldn’t be happier!  Not only does this treasured fabric reflect upon the cowboy mythology of our country, but it also hearkens back to a time when you could get rug burn just by bumping into a woman wrapped in denim.  Thanks for keeping us on our toes, ladies!  I threw garbage in the face of an American Indian yesterday to salute the return of this fabulous fabric.  Now that’s what I call jean-ocide!

Fat – NOT!

Even when naked, most women are still wrapped in a kind of clothing.  But instead of being made out of chinchilla pelts or the odd mink, this wrap is composed of McGriddles and shame.  I’m not a woman, but I do spend plenty of time in female dressing rooms.  And I can’t even begin to explain how sickened I would be if I was forced to back my large posterior into whatever large pen passes for a changing room at some place like Dress Barn or Fashion Cow.  Yes, becoming fat can make your boobs bigger – and this is important.  Yet we’ve all seen that tragedy that is the fat woman with small breasts.  Do you honestly want to find out if this is your fate?

Remember, ladies: fashion is the most important part of life, and it should consume you and everything you do.  Work, school, and personal development matter not when you realize the values of our culture.  But don’t lose heart; it’ll all be over by the time you’re 30, at which point you’ll be considered too old and haggard to be of value to anyone.  So I guess after then you can sit around and read books or something.  Frankly, I’m out of ideas.

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