Simpsons 101

By: Bob Mackey

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October 12, 2007

In the now-distant decade known as the 90s, every Sunday night was like secular Christmas (no Church, tree made of fire, occasional backyard orgy).  Anyone worthy of my respect should know the reason: The Simpsons.  The show defined the 90s, and more specifically, Sunday nights during the 90s – barring the handful of years it was on Thursdays.  And even though Mondays were a depressing constant, The Simpsons helped balance the week by starting it on joyful note.

But those times are now gone now.  As is laughter, hope, and the will to live.

Before I begin, I have to tell you that I am possibly the most qualified person to talk about The Simpsons.  I own all of the DVDs, have listened to the commentary tracks multiple times, and I can give you the names of specific writers/directors of most episodes.  From the very first episode until around the 13^th season, I’d only missed one episode airing on its original night, which I can name (“Itchy and Scratchy Land”).  My senior seminar paper as an undergrad was about The Simpsons, which possibly caused a worldwide movement of not taking English majors seriously (sorry, peers who enjoy respect and shelter).  In the words of Comic Book Guy, “I’ve wasted my life.”

So where are we today?  Having recently been made into a lousy summer movie, The Simpsons just stumbled into its 19^th season, crawling desperately to make it past the decomposing corpse of Gunsmoke in order to set the non-prestigious record of being on the air for too damned long.  Sunday nights are less of an event and more like visiting an elderly family member with dementia; they might remember your name, but they’re usually too busy screaming creative new racial slurs while unloading into their bedpans.  Occasionally, The Simpsons still shows a glimmer of the intelligence and respect it once showed its audience, but for the most part it’s just pooping itself.

The depressing state of The Simpsons may not be apparent to you, the non-Simpsons nerd, so I have taken it upon myself to be an educator in the subject I know best.  You can’t be as depressed as I am about the current state of a television show without knowing how good it used to be, so this week’s lesson will cover the best episodes of the “golden years” of the show, starting with seasons 1-4, in the briefest format that I can deliver.  Believe me, I could go on and on until you'd want to kill me more than you already do.  Let’s begin.

Season 1 – “Krusty Gets Busted” 

Homer: I sincerely hope that the horrible stories I heard about what goes on in prison are exaggerated.

Season 1 is best appreciated for what it did, rather than for what it is.  But there are still a few good moments to be had.  Take “Krusty Gets Busted,” for instance: it’s an adequate mystery and the introduction of longtime Simpsons villain Sideshow Bob, all directed by current Pixar superstar Brad Bird.  Even this early in the series, The Simpsons was proving that the rules of TV could be rewritten.  Until this episode, most mysteries on sitcoms were about how long it was going to take before Full House’s Uncle Joey cracked us up.

This mystery is still unsolved. 

Season 2 – “Lisa’s Substitute”   

Miss Hoover: [shakily] Children, I won't be staying long. I just came from the doctor, and I have lyme disease.  Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives.

Ralph: What's lyme disease?

Pr. Skinner: I'll field that one.  [goes to blackboard]  Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called `ticks'.  [writes `TICKS' on blackboard]  When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood...

Miss Hoover: [not calmed] Oh...

Pr. Skinner: Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.

Miss Hoover: The brain!?  Oh, dear God... 

Season 2 of The Simpsons is the most traditionally sitcom-ish year of the series, telling straightforward family-oriented stories with only a dash of absurdity.  As a result, its 22 episodes are some of the slowest-moving in the history of The Simpsons – but I don’t think “Lisa’s Substitute” could have been made without this change of pace.  It’s a simple story about Lisa’s love and respect for a male authority figure, substitute teacher Mr. Bergstrom (played by Dustin Hoffman).  Rarely does The Simpsons deliver real emotion without a grounding coda of cynicism, which is why “Lisa’s Substitute” is still arguably the show’s most touching episode, despite being followed by 17 seasons’ worth of material.

Season 3 – “Bart the Lover”  

Bart:  How about, “Crocodiles bit off my face.”

Marge: That's disgusting!  And besides, when a woman lives a man, it doesn't matter that crocodiles bit off his face. 

Homer: I may hold you to that, Marge.

Season 3 of The Simpsons is when the show really began to hit its stride.  Around this time, the b-stories and throwaway jokes were becoming just as memorable as the main episode plots, and “Bart the Lover” is a great example of this: we have Homer’s swear jar, Springfield Elementary’s “educational” yo-yo presentation, and a short film about a teenage boy who would rather kill himself than live in a world without zinc.  The touching titular plot involving Bart creating a fictional Romeo for his teacher via correspondence is a little less realistic than “Lisa the Substitute,” but The Simpsons at its best keeps you emotionally invested in stories that may be a little out there. 

Season 4 – “Marge vs. the Monorail” 

Marge : There's a man here who says he can help you.

Homer : Is it Batman?

Marge : He's a scientist.

Homer : Batman's a scientist.

Marge : It's not Batman! 

“Marge vs. the Monorail” is one of the most famous episodes of The Simpsons, and with good reason.  When it aired, the episode had the most absurd plot produced up to that point, written by a then-unknown Conan O’ Brien.  And for all of you misguided Simpsons fans who claim “The show was better when Conan wrote for it,” here’s some shocking news: he only worked on this season, and he’s only credited with writing the initial drafts for three episodes and one Halloween segment.  Now that’s out of the way, we can bask in the perfection of “Marge vs. the Monorail.”  Look at all it has to offer: The Monorail Song, “I call the big one Bitey,” Springfield’s perfected mob mentality (“Don’t push your luck!”), and enough great jokes to have a Simpsons fan reference you into submission. 

Season 4 has some other greats, so it was a little hard to choose this one from the rest.  But in the end, it came down to “Marge vs. the Monorail” teaching me one valuable lesson: mono means one, and rail means rail.

Check back next week for the rest of my Simpsons golden age countdown.  It should be as fun as it is currently!

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