Halloween Talking Points

By: Bob Mackey

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October 26, 2007

Issue One: Candy!

I’m not sure if trick-or-treating still exists, since the news media has made it clear that there are millions of pedophiles out there who will literally repel down trees and snatch our precious children away if they wander as far as the end of the driveway.  Children brave enough to spend a night fighting off these real-life monsters in exchange for a pillowcase full of candy deserve more than the crap most people usually hand out, though; so if you happen to be giving out candy this year, avoid purchasing the following items:

Circus Peanuts – Circus peanuts date back to when the circus was a valid form of entertainment and not just a place for zoo enthusiasts who want to see a bunch of caged animals that are also abused.  Biting into this candy, you can taste the maelstrom of manure, grease paint and explicit desperation that is the circus.

Candy Corn – Like circus peanuts, candy corn comes from the same 19^th century school of thought: take a regular food, give it a candy twist, soak it thoroughly in opium, and hand it out to children who get good grades in their eugenics classes.  Unfortunately, the best ingredient was removed from candy corn when a population of child junkies refused to get jobs and started voting for Grover Cleveland.

Black Licorice – Made from gasoline, rubber, and tears, black licorice is the vilest substance on the face of the earth.  If you like it, you can’t possibly be younger than 70.  In fact, black licorice was commonly used by your great-grandfather to suppress his urge for “maritals” while in the army.  It may have saved America, but at what cost?

Necco Wafers – Originally intended to be used by the priesthood during Eucharist training, Necco Wafers were invented before sugar and compassion existed.  You may wonder what the appeal of such a dull, chalky candy was, but keep in mind that people back then had such low standards for entertainment that they would often spend an entire afternoon eating an orange just for the sheer thrill of it.

That Nasty Taffy Wrapped in the Orange and Brown Wax Paper – Obviously, I don’t think giving kids a hands-on approach to candy history is a good idea, especially when it comes to the harsh lesson about what taffy tasted like before it was “Tangy” or “Laffy.”  Really, if your candy standards are this low, it would be kinder to hand out gum erasers for children to chew on.

Pennies – Pennies aren’t even candy.  You may be too lazy to roll your change, but eight more cents isn’t going to get little Billy any closer to buying a Wii; it’ll just get him closer to sliding all of those pennies into your car’s gas tank.  Good job, Daddy Warbucks.


Issue Two: The Nightmare Before Christmas is Over, and We As a Nation Need to Move On!

The Nightmare Before Christmas is a great movie, and the last good idea that Tim Burton ever had.  I saw it in the theater, bought the VHS, eventually bought the DVD, and know all of the songs by heart.  Here’s the thing, though: I eventually realized that other movies exist – but other people haven’t.

Remember that period from around 1993-2000?  There was not a scrap of TNBC merchandise to be found, except in the darkest corners of the mall where they hid all of the pornographic animes.  Nowadays you can’t swing an anarchy-patched messenger bag without hitting some skinny loser with a Jack Skellington tattoo and his ugly girlfriend with the patchwork personality.  I’m now ashamed to admit that I even like the film due to the ugly, ugly subculture it spawned, which would consist of the most disgusting people on earth if not for Dance Dance Revolution fans and furries.  2005’s Corpse Bride (AKA The Nightmare Before Christmas 2: The Search for More Money) made things even worse by being a shameless copy of its predecessor’s style without any of its charm; though it does have Johnny Depp, who makes many a chubby fangirl goo her little heart out.

So, as a nation, why can’t we move on?  Can’t you TNBC fans find some other children’s cartoon to obsess over – perhaps something that sucks?  And you can forget about Invader Zim, because I propose we move on from that, too.


Issue Three: Offensive Halloween Story from My Childhood! (Warning: May Be Offensive)

I will leave you with the following heartwarming story:

In the fourth grade, I decided I would be a serial killer for Halloween.  My grandma bought me fake blood, and I spent an afternoon at her house splattering both my costume and a plastic butcher knife.  When Halloween rolled around, my Catholic School had its traditional Halloween Parade, where all of the students walked around in costume.  This parade eventually reached the rectory (the cave where priests live).  When the head priest saw me and asked what I was supposed to be, I looked up at him and beamed, “A serial killer!”

The next year, students were forced to align their costumes with certain “themes,” since there was a concern that the costumes were getting too “violent.”  The first new theme was “Disney characters.”  I had to make a Darkwing Duck costume, which screwed me up way more than pretending to be a serial killer.

So I guess that priest got his wish.  But the joke’s on him, because there’s no god, and he devoted his life to a sexless lie.  We’re all going to die alone and afraid, facing an abyss of nothingness!

Happy Halloween, everybody!