Common Sense with Chuck Guntly

By Bob Mackey

February 29, 2008

10 comments

Note to readers: with Bob Mackey undergoing serious litigation in the Court of Internet Justice, “Blog is a Four-Letter Word” is currently on indefinite hiatus.  Taking his place this week is Chuck Guntly, our man on the street, full of common sense and homespun wisdom.  We sincerely hope you will enjoy his refreshing and hopeful opinions on all things Youngstown.

Hey, all.  Chuck Guntly, here.  I was tickled when Valley 24 asked me to write for their Internet web page, and I think you’ll find what I lack in worldliness and high school education I make up for in my complete loyalty to dear lady Youngstown.  Yep, that’s right.  Old Chuck never graduated from high school.  I was 15 when the mills closed down and, well, just like everyone else here, when that happened I “called it a day” as far as living goes and just sat around a bunch.  A few years later, my dad got a bright idea to start a copper appropriation business targeting our many local homes.  Today, I’m the CEO of Guntly Copper Corp. (GCC), and you can often see me and my own son (Chuck Jr.) cruising the streets of Youngstown in an unmarked van with love for this town in our hearts and ski masks on our faces.

But I’m not here to promote my own business, though I certainly will if Valley 24 has me back again.  For now, this is the matter at hand: if Chuck Guntly knows about one thing, folks, it’s politics.  And whenever my friends down at the liquor store see me every morning, they ask me one thing: “Chuck, talk about politics to us.”  And here is what I say: “All politicians everywhere are crooks.”  Sometimes my friends are a bit shocked by my opinion, so I have to clear things up for them by saying, “Except Jim Traficant.”  He may be a national joke and convicted felon guilty of massive corruption, but darn it, he did it for Youngstown.  Whenever I look at that Traficant painting I bought that I think might be of a horse, I well up with tears and think, “Now there was a great man.”  And my friends agree.  But getting down to the meat and potatoes of things, I haven’t trusted politicians and I never will.  This is the Guntly way, like it or lump it (and my wife mostly chooses number two).

When it comes to Youngstown pride, I consider myself the alpha dog.  I have not missed a night of downtown drinking in almost 25 years (my deadbeat family made me go to my dad’s wake), and according to this chart I made, that is the best way to determine loyalty to Youngstown.  Regrettably, I had to take this position from my friend Charlie who held the record before me but mysteriously died of some illness.  Thing number two you folks need to know about Chuck Guntly: I don’t trust doctors.  You can tell me cirrhosis this and cirrhosis that, but a little nip never hurt anyone now and then.  But I guess the point of what I’m saying here is that I really love Youngstown, and this fact has everything to do with politics.  Old Chuck has been doing his own special brand of “research” on our Democratic candidates, and you can bet he doesn’t like what he sees.

I took the time to go see Barack Hussein Obama and Shillary—I mean, Billary—I mean, Hillary Clinton when they recently stopped by Youngstown.  Here’s what I don’t like, folks: these people talk about change and hope and economy and all that, but never once did I hear how any of this voting nonsense will directly affect me, Chuck Guntly.  I pull in a solid eight G’s a year, firmly putting me in the middle class, and these smokers and jokers want some of my hard-earned money to go to poor suckers who need help?  I’ll tell you something: I’ve never had health insurance, and I’ve never needed it.  And even when Chuck Jr. broke his right leg as a child, we set it on our kitchen table (like real Americans) and to this day it’s nearly the size of his left.  Seems like in all this talk about “helping people” we’ve lost out on the initiative that used to be part of the American Spirit.  Whenever I see homeless people on the streets, I make sure to tell them that the first thing they should be doing is saving up for a down payment on a house.  These people don’t need handouts like shelter and blankets and inoculations, they need advice from an American who has really made it.  And you can bet Chuck Guntly is there for that.

But really, folks, if you plan on voting democratic, think about how our country would look if there was a black guy or an old lady running it: bad.  I’m not racist or anything, but white guys have run this country fine for 200 years, so I say why not continue this fine tradition?  I say, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  And adding a darker cog to this great machine we call America isn’t exactly going to make things better.  Listen, Chuck Guntly is a progressive guy.  Back when I was a kid, I watched Star Trek behind my dad’s back because he forbade his son to watch a show where they put a Chinaman in charge of something important like steering.  I’ve even been a victim of reverse racism, and held back the tears as angry blacks savaged me for my proud heritage and certain flags I hang on my garage.  Chuck Guntly speaks from experience here, everyone, and this Youngstownian has been around the block a few times.

So I guess the point all of this can best be summed up in two words:” Don’t vote.”  I’m not, mostly for personal reasons due to my career path, and you shouldn’t based on the sound argument I laid out before you.  Chuck Guntly says: it’s just common sense.

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