Applebee's is Hell on Earth
January 11, 2008
The crazy-crap-on-the-walls-style family eathouse has always been a uniquely horrible and uniquely American idea; yet, it’s a relatively recent one. Before the invention of these overpriced food dungeons, people with absolutely no sense of taste or self-respect were forced to eat and feed their families fast food—but at least the cheapness of that stuff and the foul, sub-bus-station atmosphere of the locales signified the product’s quality. Fast food has all the charms of watching non-consensual clown sex, but at least you know what you’re getting into when you peel back the wrapping on that Big Mac and watch the evil spirits appear and curl around your arteries.
When middle-rung chain restaurants (TGIFriday’s, Bennigan’s, Fuddruckers, et al.) came along, everything changed. Yes, the food was still no better than the average soup kitchen menu, but it was presented in a way that made lower class people who thought they were middle-class feel like they were upper class—and really, that’s what America is all about. Case in point: you can go to Dave and Buster’s and have your car parked by a valet, then eat a twenty-dollar plate of chicken fingers and play House of the Dead 2 while drinking five-dollar domestic beers. Of course, you can buy a bucket of wings, a six-pack of beer, and a Dreamcast for about a fourth of the price, bet then you wouldn’t be fooled into thinking that you actually make a living wage.
All of these restaurants may be the same but, somehow, Applebee’s is the worst.
The Applebee’s by my apartment is in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart. This tag-team corporate presence has allowed me to earn a few extra bucks on the side giving Disneyland Safari Ride-esque tours to excited, picture-taking immigrants eager to witness the sights of our great country that you and I find commonplace: “If you look out to your left, folks, you’ll see a morbidly obese family on their way to buy a new plasma TV with a credit card. Notice the awning of fat hanging over the female’s genitals; that protects her from other males and critter infestations. Whoa—It looks like they don’t appreciate us getting so close. Let’s head back to that pickup truck with all the racist bumper stickers, where it’s safe.”
In what can only be described as a cruel joke, someone bought me a $25 gift card to Applebee’s for Christmas. It was like getting a prison sentence; not only would I have to eat at Applebee’s, I’d have to eat twenty-five dollars’ worth of Applebee’s food. At least in prison the food is better and your butthole hurts less when you’re released. But, looking on the bright side of things, I decided that this card could be of some use—after all, I could always order a side dish and some dessert over one of their terrible, terrible entrees. How bad could it be? After I coaxed my girlfriend off of our building’s roof (negotiations went well and her demands were tough but fair), we were off to Applebee’s.
We looked at the menu and saw what could only be a parody of appetizers, the most offending one being bacon cheeseburgers. Four of them at once. Appetizers are meant to make you hungrier. Eating bacon cheeseburgers should make you not hungrier. If you’re still hungry after eating bacon cheeseburgers, you’re either a 2000-pound mammal or a frequent Applebee’s customer; either way, you should be fed from buckets by trained zookeepers while children look on in horror. Bacon wasn’t just haunting the burgers on the menu, though; nearly every item seemed to be garnished with this wonder meat, including the grilled cheese sandwiches. Was Applebee’s trying to use the overpowering taste of bacon to enhance the blandness of their food? Whatever the case, a live pig was crucified at the table next to ours as a family of four held small pails under its screaming, quivering flesh to collect blood for use as a sundae topping. Afterwards, its corpse was hung next to a framed picture of the local retiree softball team.
Macaroni and cheese seemed to be the least lethal side dish, so we waited the appropriate 45 minutes it takes Applebee’s to hand-craft each noodle and personally enhance it with cheese before it arrived at our table. Given the time it took them to make this dorm room cuisine, I was expecting to feast upon the same macaroni and cheese I see rich people eating in all of those movies; but instead, we were given an al dente mess coated with what could only be described as the GED equivalent of cheese: sure, it was trying really hard, but there’s a reason it could only get a job at Applebee’s. And just in case this meal wasn’t unhealthy enough, some kind Applebee’s chef was nice enough to sprinkle remnants of fried breading on top in case we still needed to be reminded of meat even when it wasn’t in our mouths. At first I was going to complain, but after a few bites, I had a vision of delicious chickens being dropped into frying medium and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t aroused. I guess there was a reason they gave us those flashcards with pictures of drumsticks on them before our meal.
A quarter-full and suffering from low-grade food poisoning-based dementia, we decided to meet Applebee’s on its own terms and order something that was supposed to be terrible for us: dessert. How could a restaurant chain screw up something as simple as a piece of pie? We soon learned that there was no pie. Here is what replaced it:
That’s right: pie shooters. Drinkable pies. Were the same people who once complained about the lack of steak and ranch dressing moats in their salads now grumbling over the fact that they would have to waste precious foodless seconds disassembling pastry with a fork? It was now clear: this was a restaurant where every meal was an eating contest. I halfheartedly pointed to something on the menu, then blacked out after I felt a sharp pinch on my forearm.
I woke up what must have been a few hours later and looked down to see chocolate dribbling down my arm and a pie IV standing next to our booth. A small, obese eight-year-old skipped out of the men’s room, then crumpled to the ground after a series of elaborate heart attacks. Two overweight secretaries giggled about “losing those few extra pounds” while pouring pitchers of mayonnaise on plates of starch. A nearby husband had his wife cut his steak after the left side of his body mysteriously went numb. I overturned the table and screamed, “You’re killing yourselves! Can’t you see you’re killing yourselves!?” Another young boy with a French fry stuck to his face looked up at me from his plate and had a series of elaborate heart attacks very similar to those of his now-dead little brother, who was rudely blocking bathroom traffic. I politely paid the bill, then took the hostess hostage with the sharpest of my car keys and slowly backed out the door.
But for me, the nightmare would not end: I still have ten dollars left on my gift card.
THE END?
Entry tools
About this entry
- No one has blogged about this entry yet.
- This entry has been recommended 0 times.
I will be sending you a self addressed, stamped envelope. I'm sure I can find SOMEONE to use the rest of your gift card.
Comment not rated
Applebees the Abercrombiefitch of food.
Comment not rated
This week's blog had a very "from dusk to dawn" feel to it. When you blacked out seemed to be the turning point from shoot em action flick to senseless vampire horror film. You do score points for the mini cheez-burger apps but I really think you missed out on the whole fried remnants of mystery vegetable experience. Potato skins or onion ring should have been your first choice. Nothing says the four food groups of Ohio like the starch, sugar, salt and grease of deep fried onion petals with ketchup/catsup/tomato-sex.
Comment not rated
the bloomin' onion was designed by hitler himself in the bowels of hell. that's actually where outback steakhouse's corporate offices are.
Comment not rated
The only thing I remember eating from an Applebee's is a chicken quesadilla type of meal. It was okay, but the best quesadillas are either from Qdoba's Mexican Grill (which isn't like Applebee's) or the kinds you make yourself.
Comment not rated
Taco Bell makes a mean quesadilla. I mean, so I've heard...
Comment not rated
have you ever eaten real mexican food from real mexican people? taco bell is like some white person's parody of mexican food.
Comment not rated
I didn't know Applebee's served pie shooters. Either they're only served in select Applebee's or I'm traditional enough to order pies the way they're meant to be (even though the only pie I ever eat is chocolate-based in some capacity).
Comment not rated
What Taco Bell isn't REAL mexican? Next you going to tell me Antone's really isn't Italian, http://valley24.com/news/2007/dec/27/... Paprika's Cafe isn't Hungarian and China Inn isn't Chinese. Oh the insanity!
Comment not rated
The Hungarian place sucks, but Antone's is amazing. I love anywhere that puts fried cheese under cavatelli.
Comment not rated
I went to Salsita's in Austintown and it was terrible. I have worked in the food service industry (both civilian and military) and know when food has been cooked and sitting in a pan to keep warm. Three out of the six people at our table sent there food back and just had ice cream. The place was packed and I suspect that much of the food was indeed cooked way prior to our arrival. On the flip side the Mexican place next to Movie Gallery on 224, by the Burger King and what not, was really really good.
Comment not rated
"What Taco Bell isn't REAL mexican?"
nothing at taco bell actually tastes like real mexican food (or even tex-mex, like chipotle), and most of taco bell's menu doesn't even look like real mexican food. it's like some white person created their own bland take on mexican cuisine. the other restaurants you mentioned seem to line up with their appropriate ethnicites, though.
in summation, if you eat taco bell, you are bad and you should feel bad.
Comment not rated
Italian cuisine is based on their region. What you have at Antones, Olive Garden, and such are Americanized versions. Same with any Chinese place. Most "ethinic" restaurants in this area really have no comparison to what you would eat if you were actually in that country.
If you want some real Asian foods try some fresh/fried lumpias or lomi (not lo-mein). You won't find it around here unless you know someone who makes it in their home.
Will, a good Mexican place is La Isla in Hermitage. Great Jesus margaritas (I rank Mexican restaurants on the quality of their margaritas).
Comment not rated
La Isla sound good, may have to try that out with the wife. Thanks :)
Comment not rated
Taco Bell tastes like Taco Bell, which is to say, delicious! I demand a retraction and I demand you actually do some research before spouting off so-called "opinions" about foodstuffs you obviously know nothing about. Petty arguments about "authentic" Mexican food reveal your true and devious agenda: your sinister love for illegal immigrants who sneak across the border to make burritos and rape our daughters! I see through you, Mr. Mackey, and your anti-American lies. Retract, I say, retract!
Comment not rated
I think we all have lost the meaning of this blog...Mackeys hatred of bacon. Back on track folks!
Comment not rated
i'm jewish at heart.
Comment not rated
also, lenny, i thought i was supposed to be "RACIEST." if so, why would i want to help illegal immigrants? what's that i smell OH YEAH BAD JOURNALISM FOLKS. get your facts straight before you start steaming steam-lies out of that steam-pipe you call a mouth!!!
GHY
bob mackey
2008
Comment not rated
Hold up, girls. I never said Taco Bell was authentic Mexican. I said their quesadillas are tasty. And they are. Most of the authentic Mexican restaurants in our area don't even serve authentic Mexican food. I lived with a Mexican family for two years and when I want real Mexican food...I visit them. No restaurant has ever even come close.
Comment not rated
Pizza Hut, Pizza Hut
Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut
McDonalds,McDonalds
Kentucky Fried Chiken and a Pizza Hut
Comment not rated
"Kentucky Fried Chiken and a Pizza Hut"
Whoa there Mr. Raciest. You spelled Chicken wrong. Is that isolated k a reference to the Klan? Easy there.
-m
Comment not rated
the isolated K is a reference to ruKus radio, which may in fact be a shadow operation of the KKK. all i know is that their website looks slightly better.
Comment not rated
i thought you stopped eating meat, lenny
when i was in almost mexico, texas, the food still had roots in it from the cooks picking the veggies out of the garden behind the restaurant. plus i got dysentery. THATS REAL MEXICAN.
i hate applebees. their touting of ribs is a disgrace to people like me and my dad whose ribs and other bbq delicacies make applebees riblets look like a pile of puke.
im really surprised alicia hasnt weighed in on this yet.
you are the raciest!
Comment not rated
Yeah, because I fixed it. Somewhat. I'm having trouble with making things work correctly between IE and Firefox/Netscape browsers. Any suggestions?
But, you keep going back. Hmmmm... that's cool, Bob. Just make sure you don't put three of our stickers next to each other on your flute case!
And as soon as I get a moment, I will have added content for DJs, scheduling, and bands. Since I know you can't wait. My show starts around 6 tonight. You should tune in. Oh wait, you will be. Just click your bookmark to www.rukusradio.net!
-m
Comment not rated
the biggest challenge with web design is dealing with all the different browsers. They can be a real pain in the arse. Also with new/dead product lines coming out all the time, like Adobe Flash 9 and the now dead frontpage things aren't getting and easier. A universal browser would be sweet. Anyway, i think I will check out what you guy got cooking over at the station.
Comment not rated
Joki,
I agree that Taco Bell isn't real mexican but yes it does taste good after a few Straubs down at Cedars. The best is nachos bell grande substitute spicy chicKen for ground meat...good stuff right there.
Comment not rated
internet radio was the coolest thing ever in 1999.
Comment not rated
i'm just sayin i miss 1999 because of gas prices and clinton
Comment not rated
i feel like the bacon from applebee's haunts me in my dreams. i haven't even eaten there in like 2 years...and never anything bacon-esque.
wierd.
Comment not rated
when you weren't looking, someone put bacon in your mouth
Comment not rated
Weak blogs were NEVER the coolest thing.
And when you weren't looking, apparently you made a Cher Barbie.
-m
Comment not rated
See?
http://forums.valley24.com/read.php?4,21
-m
Comment not rated
congratulations, you are officially the last person on earth to realize that my name is very similar to fashion designer bob mackie. i take it you haven't seen the simpsons' episode, "burns' heir?"
"it's a bob mackie original."
"wow! a bob mackie!"
Comment not rated
::bows:: Thank you, thank you.
-m
Comment not rated
I think some chains are okay. There is one up here (Cleveland) called Red Robin that has a lot of burgers. Twenty of them or so. What I like about it is that you can substitute a Garden burger or a Boca burger on any of them. Applebee's has done a terrible job of catering to the vegetarian community. As for healthy options - I think they're about on par with the rest of their ilk. All in all, I know the casual family dining chains are generally feeling the hit of the economy. Fast food as "stepped it up" so to say, and added healthy options to their menus, so now people can take the family out to eat for cheaper at about the same quality. I prefer local establishments...like Cedar's, U-Pie, Flaming Ice Cube...those are all things I crave when I'm back in town! :)
Comment not rated
i love getting me some winslow's when i'm back in town; either the tuna melt or the strawberry brie. people don't talk about that place much but they SHOULD.
Comment not rated
I miss that place! I used to go there in college and then afterwards when I visited. I really like their coffee drinks, and they had tasty iced chai. Peaberry's in Canfield has a pretty good atmosphere and lots of similar cafe food - and good coffee.
Comment not rated
Dick Mackey, what does GHY mean? are you trying to steal my style?
Comment not rated
Go hug yourself.
Go hump yourself.
Giant hairy yak.
Get high youngstown.
Comment not rated
go h** yourself
bob mackey
2008
represent
yo
Comment not rated
aaaaahahahaha!
http://forums.valley24.com/read.php?4,23
-m
Comment not rated
wow i sure wish i could have an internet message board post quoted in a local newspaper under my user name :(
Comment not rated
tell me what it's like at the top
Comment not rated
The air is a little thin, but it's cool.
-m
Comment not rated
hmmmm, 2 blogs.......local notoriety. Go figure. I mean, it's not Applebee's but it'll have to do....
Comment not rated
RE: Onion Blossom
According to Headline News the Inion Blossom is like 2100 hundred calories with sauce and 300 grams of fat.
Enjoy!
Comment not rated
OH MY GOD
Comment not rated