People I Want Kelly Pavlik to Beat Up

By: Bob Mackey

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January 18, 2008

Dear Kelly,

Almost everything I know about boxing came from Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out! so while your fights are entertaining, they’re also deeply confusing.  For instance, why are you not two feet tall and not exclusively fighting ethnic stereotypes?  And I’m also a bit troubled that your trainer never told me to join the Nintendo Fun Club while relentlessly pumping his fist. Regardless, belated congratulations for your somewhat-recently-won title of Universal Middleweight Champion of the World.  You’re now scientifically proven to be the strongest man in the world weighing between 154 and 160 pounds, holding one of the more profitable titles in the field of professional violence.  This is a much more lucrative market than the one I decided to enter; who knew that higher education had been circling the toilet since we elected a haunted corpse for President during a good portion of the 1980s?  Apparently, a lot of people.  And they really should have told me.

So what I’m saying here besides “Send me some of that lots of money you have which you probably won’t miss” is that you, Kelly Pavlik, hold an immense amount of power that you may not even be aware of.  According to the 1978 Boxing Act, passed during that one rocky month during The President’s vacation when Billy Carter went on a bender and impersonated his famous brother, anyone holding a world-class boxing title can legally beat up five people per year, outside of any ring and with no referee present.  And, since I assume you didn’t beat anyone up last year outside of the boxing context, why not use 2007’s allotted beatings to help me out?  After all, any unused beatings carry over into the next year and there’s absolutely no reason you should think this isn’t true.

Sir, with all respect, here is a list of people you should beat up for me.  Remember, without my help, you wouldn’t have known about your newfound diplomatic immunity, but it’s very important that you don’t tell any policemen about this.

5. My Fourth Grade Teacher

Teachers that work hard, strive to help their students, and make learning fun are some of the most important people in the world and should be respected as such.  Unfortunately, most grade school teachers are women who default into teaching because of their gender and can’t educate their way out of a wet paper bag--like my fourth grade teacher, for example.  I’m not sure what the standards of public schools are, but I’m pretty sure she got a job at my Catholic grade school by writhing on the floor and speaking in tongues during the interview.  Really, any professional in the field of education who regularly gets corrected by a fourth grader and then holds a grudge against said fourth grader deserves to be beaten by one of the strongest men on the planet.  She also took away one of my issues of Nintendo Power when I was legitimately reading it after a test, so there’s that, too.  If you’re looking for her, she’s the one wearing Coke bottle glasses and schoolmarm dresses that appear to be made out of discarded quilts.  Godspeed, Kelly.

4. That Woman Who Said She’d Sell Us Chairs but Didn’t

Imagine the situation: I’m about to move into a new apartment with my girlfriend, and together we see a cheap set of matching chairs at a garage sale.  Since I didn’t have any cash on me, we asked the nice lady running the sale if she’d hold them while we walked to the ATM; she agreed to this deal, but I had no idea the depths of deception the human heart could hold at that moment in my life.  When we got back to the sale, cash in hand, there were no chairs.  It was as if my faith in humanity and innocence were both completely shattered in one deafening, chair-related blow.  Kelly, for being my own personal Vietnam, this woman needs to be beaten up.  I’m sure she has children, so make sure you do it in front of them to offer a moral lesson about what happens to people with completely unscrupulous business practices.

3. Some Guy in My One Class Who Kept Making South Park References

Nothing is more annoying than people who just start talking to you in the middle of class; they’re usually strangers who think they have something mind-shatteringly important to tell you every five seconds while the qualified person at the front of the room is giving you expensive information you’re probably not going to see a return on.  South Park Guy did just this, offering his own running MST3K-like commentary during lectures on Don DeLillo and Ken Kesey, with all the originality of a Dane Cook bit ripped off of Carlos Mencia.  “Hey, remember that character from South Park who said ‘Mmmkay’ eight years ago?  And also the talking piece of poo?  I will elbow you during class and imitate them during inappropriate times!  Please enjoy my knowledge of TV catchphrases.”  Kelly, beat him savagely and then push him back into his circa 1999 time machine.  He should learn that visiting the not-too-distant future comes with harsh punishments. (Also, you can dress like a Morlock if you want to scare him.)

2. Rivers Cuomo

Kelly, I consider this to be a real “tough love” situation.  While I consider Rivers—frontman of weezer—to have the capacity for creating great music, he hasn’t been able to do it in more than a decade.  Hence, you need to ruthlessly whale on him.  With enough force, you should successfully knock his head out of his ass so he can read sheet music again.  Listen, Kelly, only you can restore the pride of millions of weezer fans who have since hung up their sweaters in shame.  I know this is very important to you.

1. The President

I’m not one to make jokes about our President, since Bush humor has turned from a fun mockery of a sweetly retarded man-child into a bleak reminder of the current state of democracy.  But hey, even if you like our country’s most lovable war criminal, I’m sure that you’d want to beat him up just so you can tell your friends, “You see that old guy in a wheelchair behind that podium talking about bombs?  I kicked his ass.”  Our country was much better when the average American could challenge our Presidents to duels, so I say why not bring back this time-honored tradition?  Heck, even if you lose, the consolation prize is your face on the ten dollar bill.  I can say that I would have no shame paying for a few beers with a G.W. Bushback instead of the current denomination's design.  Hamilton’s ugly mug has seen the light of day far too many times for my tastes.

Kelly, after weighing the options, I know you think that I am right.  Best of luck in your future career.  And remember, when the jewel in the Indian’s turban starts glowing, you’d best get out of the way.  According to my research, those guys can teleport.

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