Australians Who Should Have Died Before Heath Ledger

By: Bob Mackey

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January 25, 2008

Tuesday’s untimely and unexpected death of Heath Ledger had a distraught world asking one question: “Dear God, did they finish the new Batman movie yet!?”  And once the world found out that The Dark Knight finished shooting back in November, they said (with a morbid bit of relief), “Oh, that poor man.”  Yes, life isn’t fair, karma is absent from the world, and death can strike even the most chiseled and blond of our imported movie stars.  But, after the death of Heath Ledger, one question arises in my mind: “Of all Australians, why him?”  Surely, out of all living Aussies, Heath was the least deserving of death.  And, if we had the chance, who could we trade for our dear departed Heath?

Luckily, on my desktop I keep a constantly-updated Word document listing which of our down-under friends deserve to die; and, through a careful balancing of variables, I thought I’d share with you the top five Australians that should have been shoved off of this mortal coil instead of Heath.  If anything, they at least deserve a good booting.

5. Yahoo Serious 

First of all, just having the name “Yahoo Serious” should be punishable by death.  Tell me, if some chump with a moniker like “Google Austere” walked up to you, wouldn’t you feel the urge to throttle this person back to the Bronze Age?  Nevertheless, Mr. Yahoo carries more sins than his name alone.  His movie Young Einstein is enough reason for deportation and execution in one of our government’s many secret prisons.  I mean, to have the gall to create a movie where Einstein is depicted as an Australian who looks like Yahoo Serious?  I know things were pretty rough back in the eighties, but did this proto-Pauly Shore really need to spread his evil to our shores?   We all should have known better.

Thankfully, Yahoo’s popularity in the USA was brief, and he now suffers the life of harsh obscurity known as “only being famous in Australia.”  I doubt he can even afford the daily intake of vegemite that all Australians need to live.

4. Nicole Kidman

While she used to pass for an attractive woman, Nicole Kidman is now a creepy pod person who somehow manages to live in the uncanny valley despite being human.  Maybe it’s because Tom Cruise once put his vile seed in her, but recently, something has caused Nicole to obliterate any and all expressive qualities from her face with the power of botox.  When I saw previews of her in The Golden Compass, all I could think was, “Oil can.  Oil can!”  Surely all of the muscle paralysis happening on her face should have reached her brain by now, right?  Whatever the case, Nicole Kidman looks like she just lost a staring contest with Medusa, and we can’t have that walking around and scaring children.

3. Mel Gibson

Mel Gibson has passed for an American for so long, it’s almost impossible to believe that he came from Australia; I mean, he’s got the accent, bigotry, and alcoholism down pat.  Still, his imposterism is no match for his “different” views on the Jewish people and his related movies/car accidents that express said views.  As creepy as it is to hear people claim that the Jews killed Jesus, I think that, if this were true, the Jews were totally doing Jesus a favor.  I mean, he was sent to Earth to die for our sins, right?  Well, if you’re of the Christian persuasion, Jesus had to die for you to have eternal salvation, so wasn’t it nice of someone to give him a head start?  What’s more impressive: “Jesus died on the cross,” or “Jesus died comfortably in his sleep at the age of 73?”  Christianity wouldn’t be half as intense if it was the latter.  And, really, if there was an International Jewish Conspiracy, wouldn’t Mel Gibson have been rubbed out long ago?

Death, if you’re reading this, please wear a yarmulke when you go add Mel Gibson to your basket of souls.  His reaction will be priceless (also put it on YouTube if you get clearance).

2. Any Boomerang Enthusiast

The worst things Australians ever did—aside from killing off most of the cool animals that used to live on their continent—is invent the boomerang.  Listen, Australia, I got a Nerf Boomerang for my tenth birthday and it was a piece of crap.  It was purple and was supposed to whistle when you threw it, but I never got a chance to experience that feature because the damn thing ended up on our garage roof every time I tried to use it.  If the Nerf company can’t even make something possible to use, you know you’ve got problems; even the girliest of little boys can catch a Nerf football with only a faint sprinkling of tears.  This was not the case with the Nerf boomerang—in fact, I can’t say I’ve ever seen a successful boomerang throw in my entire life.  Australia, for your creation of a fundamentally flawed tool, we must take one of your boomerang enthusiasts in exchange for Heath Ledger.

1. Rupert Murdoch

Rupert Murdoch, the most evil man on the planet (National Evil Census, 2004), is from Australia.  Why am I not surprised?  He’s already ruined all news and entertainment on the planet Earth, and it won’t be long before he conquers the world of books and the Internet; soon, we’ll be clicking on an icon in the shape of his ugly mug the next time we want to check our e-mails.  And if you think his corporate holdings are bad enough, he marries Chinese ladies 40 years younger than him and forces them to have his babies!  Look at that picture of Rupert Murdoch.  Should he be having sex with anything 40 years younger than him?  Just for putting that image in our heads, he’s more deserving of death than Heath Ledger.

Sure, at age 76 he’s bound to die soon, but there’s something very unjust about the Darth Vader of our times staying alive while good, honest people are dying left and right (mostly due to Rupert Murdoch).  And if you think he’s going to get what he deserves in the afterlife, I have some bad news for you; Rupert has bought 80% of Heaven, which he’s planning on turning into a resort/spa for world-weary moguls.  Yes, even after death, it’s impossible to escape the influence of News Corporation.  Sorry, Heath.

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