The St. Patrick’s Day Strategy Guide

By: Bob Mackey

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March 15, 2008

The most common pastime for anyone living in Ohio, aside from ruining every election, is drinking.  Just take a look downtown; the bars are numerous and conveniently within stumbling distance from each other.  And having stumbled through many Youngstown bars myself, I can tell you that while there are virtually no jobs to be found, Youngstown offers many opportunities for any budding vagabonds (i.e., homeless drunks) out there.  Even in Kent, my current home, the state of Ohio is clearly reflected; we have nearly 20 bars in the 2 x 2 block area quaintly referred to as “downtown.”  This clearly makes up for all of that stuff like “culture” and “good food” that’s been missing from the area ever since a white guy with tuberculosis coughed on some Indians and then built a railroad, in that order.

This Monday, St. Patrick’s Day will be here.  If there was a competition for which city was the most alcoholic, I’m sad to say that Kent would surely win over Youngstown.  Not only do we have more bars, our Spring Break actually allows for benders to start on Monday and continue into the far reaches of Friday, which will provide plenty of time for a quick stomach pumping, blood transfusion, and seeing-eye dog purchase before it’s back-to-school time the following Monday.

Before we get too far, let me state that this article isn’t about misplaced, absolutist, and hyperbolic battles of town pride; it’s about St. Patrick’s Day.  This fabled holiday may mean little more to you than wearing an ugly green sweater if you don’t drink.  But if alcohol is your middle name (literally or figuratively), here is appropriate level of emotional intensity for St. Patrick’s Day:



It may be true that I got a late start on drinking by waiting until I street legal, but, with the upcoming festivities, the least I can do is provide some helpful hints on how to make the most of your St. Patrick’s Day.  Share them with your designated drivers, who will undoubtedly spend the rest of their lives resenting you.

Be a classy drunk.

It’s no secret that the coolest movie stars of yesteryear were all raging alcoholics—but compared to our alcoholic celebrities of today, they had way more style.  The modern Lindsay Lohans teeter out of posh Hollywood nightclubs with missing panties and mysterious arm bruises, but the Cary Grants of the past leaned casually against things as they sipped brandy and traded witticisms with their glamorous friends.  That being said, there’s no reason why you can’t adopt suave drinking techniques—and your first step should be chucking out your pitchers of Transparent Suburban Swill that someone dropped a green PAAS tablet in.  Drink only microbrews, the thicker and more unpronounceable, the better.  It also helps if your beer has quirky names that become harder and harder to say as your drunkenness increases, like “Grandma’s Salty Backhand” or “Midnight Train Chugga Chugga Chugga.”  Not only will you be treated to a richer flavor, because you will have to drink less to get drunk, you will avoid the Irish tradition known as “pissin’ o’ the pants.”

Know your culture.

The Irish have brought many things to the world, like potatoes and the hot redhead from That 70s Show.  But did you know the true story of St. Patrick’s day?  Let’s have our good buddy Wikipedia fill us in on the background details behind this beloved holiday:

Pious legend credits Patrick with banishing snakes from the island, though post-glacial Ireland never actually had snakes; one suggestion is that snakes referred to the serpent symbolism of the Druids of that time and place, as shown for instance on coins minted in Gaul (see Carnutes), or that it could have referred to beliefs such as Pelagianism, symbolized as “serpents.”

So, St. Patrick’s Day is a celebration of some guy getting rid of snakes that never existed?  Well, I’ve got news for you; I just defeated a dragon in my mind.  Where’s my holiday?

Have a “vomit buddy.”

Given the amount of alcohol you will be drinking, unless your body can absorb booze like Chris Farley, it’s very probable that you will be throwing up multiple times.  And if you’ve ever had to throw up in public, you know that society frowns on public vomiting so much that they rarely offer the appropriate receptacles for this act.  To get around this problem, find a friend, develop a special handshake that will allow you to recognize each other under the cloudiest mind conditions, and keep in constant communication about possible places to vomit.  Sure, that hummingbird feeder may look like the perfect place to unload that beer bong’s worth of tangy brown liquid, but how will you know if said feeder isn’t a trap set up by a police force concerned about hummingbird safety?  You won’t, unless your invaluable vomit buddy has already staked out the area.  I also recommend you create your own trucker language for the purposes of vomit buddy communication, if only to make your day of drinking more like Smokey and the Bandit.

So, this Monday, have a great time, and drink, drink, drink, until you forget those memories that brought on all of the drinking. 

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