FAT CAMP: WEEK 2, The Only Log in Twig Town
By Robert Joki
September 7, 2007
For the last few weeks I have been in rehearsal for a new show, The Musical of Musicals: The Musical. Yes, it's really called that. We open this weekend at The Oakland Center for The Arts. The rehearsal process has been grueling and I have not been a happy camper. Many people think that the natural born enemy of the fat person is the waifish supermodel. I disagree. Our true nemesis...is the choreographer. There are certain things that are not flattering for chubby people to do in front of an audience...and I think I am doing all of them in this show. To be fair, I should say that I have nothing against the particular artist who designed the movement for this musical...he is very talented and a sweet guy. However, he is a skinny person who choreographs dances for skinny people...and I feel like the only log in twig town.
To make matters worse, just when I was getting used to jumping around looking like a bowl of Jell-O in an earthquake, the director decided she didn't like the shirt that the costume designer and I picked out for me to wear. It was a tasteful, dark colored, long sleeved, button down shirt that I felt completely comfortable in. I liked it mostly because of the length. It was size 4XLT, which means it was roomy and long enough that it didn't expose my gut when I raised my arms above my head. (Contrary to popular belief, I have no desire to be a belly dancer.) The director hated it and told me to find another one. I tried to explain to her how difficult it is to find decent clothing in my size...but she just wouldn't hear it. Now...I am a professional costume designer who has designed hundreds and hundreds of garments for the stage. I know the shirt worked just fine in the show...and the costume designer for The Musical of Musicals liked it too....but unfortunately, what the director says, goes.
The good news is...I now have something to write about. As I set out on my long and arduous journey to find a shirt in my size that made my director happy, I started to think about our society and it's insensitivity towards large people. Over the next few weeks, I am going to write about what I think are some of the worst cases of widespread fatty-hating. The topic of choice this week is the fashion industry, specifically clothing "designed for plus-size people." I use quotey fingers around that phrase because I have serious doubts as to how much design work actually goes into it.
If you are a man who wears anything beyond size 2XL, finding suitable clothing is retardedly difficult. If you are a GAY man it is almost impossible. I say this because, stereotypically, homosexual males are expected to be snazzy dressers. This is an expectation that is very hard to live up to when you are an XXXLT gay man...because it is a challenge to find ANY clothing that fits, let alone NICE clothing that fits.
Most of the clothes I tried on this week fit into the following categories. These clothes appear primarily in department stores on racks that are advertised as "Big & Tall". What a nightmare.
KLASSY T-SHIRTS: These are by far the easiest garments to find in sizes 2XL and above. The problem is the selection. Once you get to a certain size you have two choices, plain and redneck. Basic colors are easy to find in large sizes but they almost always include a pocket. I am not sure why it's there...maybe to keep a pack of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls in? Who knows. The funny thing about pocket T-shirts is...that as the shirt size gets bigger, the pocket usually does not. As a result, my closet is filled with countless giant plain shirts with teeny tiny pockets. It looks silly, but I much prefer them over the redneck T's. I call them redneck T-shirts because they always seem to advertise one of the following: beer, motorcycles, big titty women, or monster trucks. Even worse are the ever-so-clever graphic shirts with comic phrases like "Fat people are harder to kidnap!" or "There's nuthin' sweeter than a fat man's peter." or my favorite, "Viva La Man Boobs."
It'S A STRETCH: The use of stretchy synthetic fabrics to add buffet room to everyday clothing seems like a great idea. It can, however, be deceiving and even dangerous. First of all, when people design stretch clothing they often neglect to make the clothes in extra extra large sizes. I think they do this on purpose because they realize that obese people will get excited when they are able to wedge themselves into a stretchy L or XL garment and purchase it right away...whether it is flattering or not. Then they strut around in their "skinny clothes" looking like a stuffed sausage with legs. Another problem is that as garments stretch, they become shorter. T-shirts become midriffs and jeans become floods or in extreme cases, capris. Just because you can squeeze your haunches into a pair of spandex impregnated jeans does not mean they fit. If one is not careful...seems may rip, buttons may pop, and one may fall victim to what I like to refer to as a "flab-alanche."
PLAID MADNESS! : These clothes look like they were made from surplus fabric from the table cloth factory. Most of the colors are loud and clown-like. On a smaller frame, some of these garments wouldn't be so bad...but when I try them on I look like my grandmother's couch. I am ashamed to admit that I do own a few gigantic plaid shirts (My mom tries sooo hard.) but I am never comfortable wearing them. I am afraid that a family of four will try to have a picnic on me.
HAWAIIAN : Ugh...I can't even go there.
DESIGNER XXXL: This category is just plain evil. The tag says "XXXL" but it is apparently designed for pygmies or munchkins or men who have a Napoleon complex. I tried on a black GUESS vest that said 5XL and I couldn't even fit it over my shoulders. My boyfriend tried it on and it didn't fit him either. He normally wears size L. What a sick, sick joke. Shame on GUESS.
PHAT CLOTHES: These are by far the worst. For whatever reason, the designers of these clothes choose to directly announce to the world that the wearer is overweight by printing various forms of the words Fat, big, etc... directly on the garment. Phat Pharm, Phat Farm, Big Dog, Baby Phat, Phatty, P.H.A.T., and Fatitude are all guilty of this. Now...I am by no means, a label whore. I will wear anything that looks good, regardless of the brand name. I don't care if it came from Saks...or if it came from Walmart. But I can't tell you how many times I have found an amazing pair of jeans and tried them on...only to discover that the word PHAT is printed on one of the ass cheeks. And don't EVEN tell me that "Phat" means "cool"....cuz I ain't buyin' it. When I see the words "Phat Pharm" printed across a plus sized behind, the last thing I am thinking is "Wow...that person is so cool." I know I am overweight. You know I am overweight. We don't need a billboard to advertise it.
OVER-PRICED: On the very rare occasion that I find a nice piece of plus size clothing...I know even before I look at the tag that I am going to pay out the ass for it. This tells me that stores and designers know exactly what they are doing. If you are overweight and you don't want to dress like a complete freak...you have to pay some unspoken fat tax. The shirt I ended up purchasing to wear for this weekend...the only one that was even remotely acceptable...cost just under $80 before tax. It is nothing special. For the price, I was expecting it to be made of truffles...or come with a free foot massage. No such luck. It is a long sleeved, black, vertical pinstriped, dress shirt that wouldn't cost more than $20 if I was a size XL or even 2XL. That extra half yard of fabric must have been very expensive. It was a complete rip off...but I, like many other Americans in my size 13w shoes, had no choice.
If the director doesn't like it, she can take my place in this show...and she can wear whatever she wants. There are plenty of other things I can do on a Friday night...and now I have a super fancy $80 shirt to do them in.
Entry tools
About this entry
- No one has blogged about this entry yet.
- This entry has been recommended 0 times.
Hey Rob,
I haven't seen a blog this funny in a while. Damn directors.
I wish I could see the show. I'm sure you will be awesome.
Your writing style is very similar to Matt's. I think you would like his blog. Its on blogspot. You can access it through his myspace blog.
Miss you :) talk to you soon
Comment not rated
Thanks...I'm glad you liked it!
The individual director wasn't the bad guy though...not as much as a general ignorance and insensitivity towards overweight people.
Comment not rated
I used to date a girl who shopped in the plus size section--what she called the fat chick department--and she observed a lot of the same things you've captured here, too. It's as if designers think, hey, you're fat, why should we care to make clothes that you feel good wearing too? Let's instead make clothes that only accentuate your weight, and create lots of embarrassing opportunities for you!
I love your humor. I laughed out loud reading this and your previous post. Can't wait for more!
Comment not rated
Post a comment