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Recipe for a Gay Baby

By: Robert Joki

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April 18, 2008

With Spring in full bloom and Summer just around the corner, it's time to start talking about fashion trends and accessories. Your oversized bangle bracelets just aren't going to cut this season. If you truly want to turn heads this year, invest in something even more daring than that Dolce bathing suit that falls off every time a wave hits...and even more jaw dropping than those Jimmy Choos that you cut off your little toe to wear. Get yourself a gay baby!

"But how do I get me a gay baby?" you may be wondering. "Can I purchase one at Saks? Overstock.com? Ebay?" I shudder to think! Second hand children may be good enough for Angelina Jolie...but then again, so was Billy Bob Thornton. Your best bet is to grow one yourself. I know what you are thinking..."What if I go through all of the ugliness and suffering of pregnancy and child birth...only to produce dull and undesirable straight offspring?" Don't give it another thought! I have compiled a list of time tested ways to ensure that your baby will be gay.


Designer Genes

Some of you may have heard about the media blitz surrounding Thomas Beatie, aka "the pregnant man," who recently announced on Oprah that he is legally male and with child. All over the world, people are asking, "Does a fetus carried by a female to male transgender individual have a greater chance of being gay?" Absolutley! That kid might as well be delivered by Cher on a pride float in Elton John's backyard...because it is going to be the gayest gay that ever gayed. It is a scientifically proven fact that straight people produce straight children...and gay couples produce gay children. It is impossible for a hetero couple to produce a gay baby UNLESS that child is acted upon by some strong outside homo influence. If you are a straight woman who would like to have a gay baby...you need to get knocked up by a friend of Dorothy. It is a difficult thing to do, but with a little alcohol, a pocket full of GHB, and a lot of determination...it isn't impossible. If you are a straight man who wants a gay baby...chances are, you are actually gay yourself and just don't know it yet. Real straight men don't want anything to do with gay people...except for beautiful porn lesbians, which do not actually occur in nature.

 So what do you do if there are absolutely no gay seeds available to you? In many cases, a funny gay uncle or aunt...or even a gay friend of the family that the child can call uncle/aunt will suffice. At the very least get someone to molest the crap outta that kid.


Alcohol is Key

Studies have shown that a glass of wine with dinner is not only acceptable during pregnancy, but that it can actually be beneficial to both mother and child. If you want your child to be gay, you really should have a cocktail with each meal. Something sweet and breezy...or anything blended with fruit. If you are dead set against drinking during your pregnancy, at least garnish your virgin drinks with brightly colored umbrellas and silly straws. It also helps to hold your glass with your pinky extended like a rainbow flag.


Party in My Womb!

The type of music you choose to let your child listen to while it is still in your womb can be highly influential in predetermining personality traits. That's right...designer gay babies! I recommend any of the major gay icons. If you want your gay baby to be a good dancer ( And who doesn't ??? ) blast some ABBA into your belly. Liberace will have your kid tickling the ivories before it can say "rhinestone tuxedo!" Young Judy Garland music can be highly influential if you are planning to be a stage mom. Substituting Liza Minella or older Judy Garland albums may produce an alcoholic gay baby...which is GREAT for parties! Karen Carpenter music is amazing for weight management. And we don't want our little fairy to be too fat to fly, now do we?


Go Green

It is a little known fact that gay children are MUCH better for the environment than straight children. Gay babies don't require disposable diapers because gay people don't poop. A silk Hermes scarf fastened with a vintage broach will do. Just be certain to keep that waistline tiny by wrapping the garment nice and tight. This will also prevent your child from ever having to go through the hurtful taunting and jeering that can acompany an unattractive "outie" belly button.


Barbie vs Ken

Little gay boys should play with dollies, unicorns, or anything with hair that can be styled. Buy your little girl a Tonka truck. After she opens the toy... take it away from her! Happy little girls rarely become Lesbians. It is also important that she get used to playing with the box.


A Boy and his...cat?

If you decide to buy your child a pet, a cat should be your first choice...preferably a female that will give you lots of kittens. The more cats your gay baby has by adulthood...the better off it will be. The homosexual lifestyle is a lonely one and large numbers of cats can fill the void that is left between brief relationships and one night stands. Also, remember that gay people are known to identify each other by the underlying cat pee note that clings so beautifully to pleather and marabou trim. Certain breeds of dogs are acceptable as well: shit zus, yorkshire terriers, toy poodles, chihuahuas... anything that will fit in a moderate sized Birkin or Louis bag.


Ring Around The Rosie

First time gay baby parents often make the mistake of organizing play dates for their child with other gay babies. The last thing you want is for your kid to feel accepted and normal. Smiling leads to laughter...which causes wrinkles...which then require botox...which is expensive...and you are going to want to save your money so you can put your child through AMDA, or Cosmetology/Floral Design courses at your local JVS. Make your child stand out by being the only little Nancy in the neighborhood. If you live in a school district with a high percentage of gay kids, you either need to move...or start voting the other brats off the island, if you know what I mean. Remember, there is only room for one orphan Annie in the spring musical.


Bad Influences

You'll want to avoid allowing your child to have any religious affiliation. You must be extremely careful to avoid not only exposure to churches or church goers...but also service organizations, summer camps, or any "free" events surrounding the Easter and Christmas Holidays. Once your baby finds Jesus, no amount of elctro shock therapy will restore it's gayness. Introduce him to Kabbalism or Scientology or any religion that is refered to as "mystic" and difficult to define.  I wouldn't recommend Mormonism, because that's just silly! You might try the reverse psycology route and take your child to a Catholic service twice a week. Nothing encourages anti religious behavior like a catechism course. In the unlikely event that your child enjoys going to CCD, pull him out FAST. You don't want him to consider a career in the church. Gay Priests are soooo last season. If your child insists on having someone as his personal something, introduce him to Madonna. Buy him a bracelet that says WWMD.



By ThatGirl ( anonymous )

"It is a little known fact that gay children are MUCH better for the environment than straight children. Gay babies don't require disposable diapers because gay people don't poop."

Love the entire blog, but THIS is my favorite!

By qjeg63jd ( anonymous )

I think if you chilled out on the ellipses this could reach its full potential.

By buff ( anonymous )

We should talk about this "GREEN" shit...everyone and everything is green now. Walmart sells the green coffee, (yeah they are totally known for their fresh roast), all the magazines are sporting green this and green that, tshirts made of recycled pepsi bottles, and now valley24 is BIG SHOCKER...FUCKING GREEN.

If my hypothetical gay baby isn't green, you can knock me down the stairs because I dont want it. or shit, you can call Angelina and see if she will add a gay baby to her newly formed African tribe that has been transplanted to LOS ANGELES.

By buff ( anonymous )

PS. Stop offending the Catholic Church or I won't come see 'The Full Monty' which opens in just 2 weeks and runs the first 3 weeks of May.

By Dennick ( Robert Joki )

Thanks for the tip qjeg63jd...but polka dots are all the rage this season. LOL. Seriously though, most of the writing I do is theatrical script work, and the bulk of what I write is meant to be read out loud. The three dots usually represent a dramatic pause. I actually find them to be pretty endearing.

By spoulton ( Sarah Poulton )

Robert Joki, you truly are AMAZING!!!

By qjeg63jd ( anonymous )

well it gets distracting and detracts from what you are trying to say. ellipses are great for written dialogue, but not stuff like this. it isn't endearing, with all due respect. constructive criticism isn't mean, it is something that helps you develop your writing. if you intend on writing seriously like this, take it in stride. i wasn't trying to insult you, it really does make reading this a more difficult task than it really should be. as an english major i can't tell you how many times i have to sift through ellipses in peoples' writings.

blogs, aren't read aloud, suffice to say, so try to adapt your writing strengths to this type of writing. i know it sounds condescending coming from someone younger than you (fun fact, you were acquaintanced with my brother in hhs, but at that point you were already i think 1-2 years older than him and i 6 years under him in age), but i do actually know what i am talking about. as i am sure you do, in theatre.

as i stated prior, constructive criticism is never ever meant to insult, it is something all writers need to reach their "full potential."

By qjeg63jd ( anonymous )

no comma after blogs, dunno how that ended up there

By Dennick ( Robert Joki )

I didn't take your criticism as an insult. And I don't doubt that you know what you are talking about. Everyone has a right to their opinion. My opinion is that the three dots rock. I respect your advise, but if you are going to judge my writing on anything, I would rather it be on its entertainment value. I am here to make people laugh and occasionally get a point or two across. If writing for Valley24 has taught me anything, it is that everyone wants to be a critic. Anyway...tell your brother I said hello.

By RuffDawg ( anonymous )

Aaah, the hubris of youth! Robert, you are a far better man than I. I would have pointed out that qjeg63jd's lack of capital letters is much more annoying than your use of ellipses. Also, "aquaintanced" isn't a word.

By RuffDawg ( anonymous )

As an English major, qjeg should be more acquainted with that fact.

By RuffDawg ( anonymous )

"i know it sounds condescending coming from someone younger than you" Actually, it wasn't condescending until you made that comment. The readers had no idea of your age, qjeg, until you stated it yourself. This suggests that not only did you fully intend to be condescending, but also that your purpose for critiquing Joki's writing is not, as you put it, to help him reach his "full potential" but to satisfy some need you apparently possess to proclaim your own writing prowess. The subtext is: I just wanted to let you know that I am younger and smarter than you. Joki is right. Too many people use the comment boards on this web site to fluff their own egos. This was a hilarious entry, full of wit and parody, and I wouldn't change a thing. My only criticism of Robert is that he should blog more often.

By typhoidpat ( anonymous )

I agree that Rob should blog more often. More blogs please!

I'm really curious who qjeg and his or her brother are, as I also went to high school with Rob.

By HYBRID ( anonymous )

I do agree that gay babies are better for the environment, they decompose easier and have a higher protien content for the soil. I do however, think that dogs would would be more beneficial for gay boys than cats; because, as i'm told, they might like to play horsie and ride the dog around....thereby helping him over the rainbow a lil' bit.

Now i could be wrong here, but wasn't Mr./Mrs. Beatie a woman first? And didn't she get a sex change but the doctors neglected to remove that cumbersome uterus? But my reasoning (and it could be just me, here...) is that she/he was severely gay already, and thus would have a naturally gay child?! This could be the answer you're looking for Joki. You need not waste those precious years of infancy trying to progress this baby to eco-friendly gaydom because it's already got all the help it needs.

And btw, ellipses are always fun.....

By qjeg63jd ( anonymous )

OMGZ i made up a word!

anyhow i graduated 2003 so you wouldnt know me.

passive aggressiveness is so cool!

By niko_new_new ( anonymous )

if i might add, leaving tubes of lipstick around the house and being an obsessive clotheshorse doesnt hurt if you give birth to a boy, but be sure to call him inside during every outfit change. i was planning on a promising career in marine biology until about the 6000th time my mother asked me "can i wear these shoes with this dress". and regarding the lipstick, well, she didnt exactly chide me when i put it on in front of dinner guests.

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