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My Boyfriend is a Furry!

By: Robert Joki

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February 24, 2008

Dear Mr. Joki, 

     I noticed in your last blog concerning "But, sex," you suggested that "Exit Only" should dress up like Princess Leia to divert her boyfriend's attention away from Heranus. Well, after reading this post, my boyfriend made a suggestion of his own. During a very serious conversation regarding "Star Wars" and "But, sex," he asked me if I would mind dressing up as the cute, cuddly, Ewok named "Wicket" before "invading me with his imperial probe droid". Are you serious??? Apparently, he has a thing for the inhabitants of Endor.

     After further discussion, and two bottles of much-needed wine, I discovered that he gets turned on by anthropomorphic animal characters. In other words, Mr. Joki, my boyfriend is a Furry. You know, like the kind featured on CSI and in Vanity Fair. He actually finds people dressed up like animals more attractive than me dressed like a school girl in pig tails.

     Is this something I should be afraid of? I mean, is he going to run off with Minnie Mouse? What's a gal to do?






Dear Padame,

     A few years ago I dressed as a puppy for Halloween. My boyfriend dressed as a hunter and I was his hound dog. I originally wanted him to dress as a fire hydrant...but he wouldn't go for it. Anyway, when I designed the costume it was meant to be cute, NOT sexual. But I have to tell you...we went out to a few Halloween parties that night and I have never been fondled or jostled so much my entire life! I spent the evening getting my tail tugged and my leg humped by complete strangers, male and female. Something about a super sized cuddly puppy man really got people going!

     A few months later, I sold the costume on EBAY and the person who purchased it offered me $50 extra to add a button flap in the rear, under the tail. I wasn't thrilled with the idea of my poor lil pooch being bent over a couch somewhere...but fifty bucks is fifty bucks! The client was very happy with my work and passed my card on to some of his friends. Since then, I have designed and constructed several costumes for Furries (or Fur Suit Enthusiasts, as they prefer to be called) including a bear, a gorilla, a duck, several bunnies, a cow with working udders, and my favorite, a monkey, riding a unicorn, holding an umbrella.

     I've come across many freaky fetishes in my day. Foot fetishists, blood drinkers, leather daddies, water sport enthusiasts. I briefly dated a man who was into mummification, which is an extreme form of sexual bondage. When I was nineteen years old, I had a guy bring a jockstrap to our second (and last) date and ask me to wear it for a month without washing it and then give it to him for Christmas. I even met a man who could only get off by masturbating into a semi inflated balloon. None of these relationships lasted very long, because the way these men got their jollies was just far enough beyond my personal gross out point. It's all good, though. Different strokes for different folks...that's what I say! One man's dirty underwear is another man's dirty fun-der-wear. They just weren't for me. You know the old saying: A bird and a fish can fall in love...but where will they store their dildos?

     Everyone is a little bit crazy. The key to a healthy relationship is to find someone whose crazy compliments yours. I don't think there is any shame in being attracted to anthropomorphic animal characters. They have been designed by human beings to evoke emotion in other human beings. I openly admit to finding one or more of the Thundercats sexually attractive...and I am not ashamed one bit! Joe Camel is a stud too. I wouldn't date him though, because he's a smoker.

     You mentioned dressing "like a school girl in pig tails"...so I assume you are not opposed to role playing altogether. Shit, I'd be glad he doesn't have a school girl fetish. Girl...that is one step away from having a nice glass of lemonade with NBC's Chris Hansen in the To Catch a Predator kitchen. Also realistically speaking, how many fictional star wars characters is your boyfriend likely to bump into on a day to day basis? There's a school girl on every street corner...but Ewoks are hard to come by. Sounds to me like if someone plays her cards right, she might just earn herself some good old fashioned relationship stability. So, if he is a good guy otherwise, and not too too much of a Furvert, I'd say lie back and think of Endor.

 Best wishes,


 PS.  If you have trouble finding a costume, drop me an email.  I'll hook you up!

This is the poor little puppy I sold into sexual slavery.

My pal and I.

Buff and I.

Local celebrities.

So readers...do you have any advice to offer Padame?  Leave us a comment.

If anyone has a question they would like answered on FAT CAMP, please feel free to contact me at Robertjoki@aol.com. I promise to keep all posts anonymous.




By DrGoo ( Dr. Goo )

Is it sad that I think it's more creepy that he calls his penis an "imperial probe droid" than the act of dressing up like an ewok?

By Will ( anonymous )

lol, ewoks are the byproduct of chewbaka's having dingle berries..lol

By north_side_girl ( anonymous )

well, having been to anthrocon (the worlds biggest furry convention) in pittsburgh two years in a row, the first for journalistic reasons and the second for amusement, i can attest that most furries, or 'anthropomorphs,' are usually just harmless gamers who dress up like their characters in kingdom hearts or whatever anime/game/manga is their favorite.

but...then there are the fursuiters. the ones who spend thousands on suits with air conditioners inside and special trap doors for 'yiffing.' some of the fursuiters are mascots and kids entertainers and legit reasons to wear a giant dog suit, but id say about a quarter are the CSI kind.

at anthrocon, there is a bulletin board about 50 feet long filled with hookup information, such as 'silverfox360, meet me in room 201,' and stuff like that. there are also 'headless rooms' where suiters can remove their heads without making little kids cry. and yes, there are kids, they put on a parade for them outside.

so, if your boyfriend happened to be a furry, i wouldnt worry; most of them seem to be able to take the heads off and live normal lives. it seems more like something they do for themselves. but once youve seen two full grown men rolling on the floor in wolf suits, its hard to maintain perspective.

By typhoidpat ( anonymous )

I'm not sure how this blog went from something to inspire weight loss to an advice column for people given bizarre sexual propositions. But, uh, I'll roll with it, because it's well-written and entertaining! I tend to shy away from these topics, but I'm morbidly curious about "mummification." I can't imagine how that might work, other than one person papier-mache-ing their partner. That would take some serious patience. Yikes!
Anyway, back on anthropomorphs and other sexual perversions, this blog reminded me of one of my favorite Onion headlines:

By Dennick ( Robert Joki )

Mummification is not for the faint of heart or for anyone who is even remotely claustrophobic. Step one involves one partner binding the other (often in something crazy-uncomfortable like leather, pleather, or latex) so tightly that it is difficult to even wiggle. I don't know what happens in step two because I hop hop hopped out the door and never went back. I guess it's a big play on vulnerability...which is soooo not my thing.

By Dennick ( Robert Joki )

And Pat, I don't know how this happened either...but I'm just gonna go with it. One of my goals with this blog has always been to write about gay culture and my perspective as a homosexual male living in Youngstown. It's all about education. Education and weiners and butts.

By buff ( anonymous )

I don't know how I feel about sexing a furry. I won't even date a guy with a hairy back.

By Dennick ( Robert Joki )

Awww...not even just a little back hair?

By katieeverybody ( anonymous )

Wow, so when you say you dressed up as a dog, you really dressed up as a dog. Here I was picturing a brown sweatsuit with ears. You went all out! Great costume!

By Dennick ( Robert Joki )

It was my first attempt at soft sculpture. I was pretty happy with it. I think the big round eyes look Simpson-esque.

By typhoidpat ( anonymous )

Hey, did anyone else see that the subplot on "Back to You" (The Kelsey Grammer/Patricia Heaton sitcom) last night was all about the news reporter covering Anthrocon. Good timing!

By MzVirgoLuv ( anonymous )

Usually I am never at a loss for words because let's face it, I'm a virgo and I have an oppinion on EVERYTHING...anyway, all I have to say is this is weird to me but whatever floats you guys boats, then go with it and have fun and don't let anyone come along and spoil it!

By boyinakage ( anonymous )

hahaha ahrinn starr is dorothy!

By niko_new_new ( anonymous )

while i am not necessarily a furry, ive been to a convention in pittsburgh. i didnt meet any one id sleep with, but it was great seeing all my childhood heroes come to life. it was like disney, but with alcohol, drugs, and sex. who is opposed to that?

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