gASS prices!

By MRN

June 10, 2008

6 comments

gASS prices

There I sit in a therapy group, I’m surrounded by mostly women. They range in age from the very young to the very old. Each of them takes turns telling their sad and horrible story. Then it’s my turn. I stand up and say, “Hi, my name is Michael Noll and I was … I was …” My voice begins to quiver as I lose the courage to go on. But then the sympathetic voices around me turn into a chorus of “you can do it,” and “it’s ok, this is a safe place.” I quickly feed on the strength of those around me and continue. “I’m Michael Noll and I was …. and I was violated this morning at BP.” The women in the group knowingly nod in support and I find the strength to continue. “It was early in the middle of the night. I had a hankering for some late night corn dogs. Gotta get my corndog on, you know. And I also needed to fill my car up with gas. So I picked regular and placed the nozzle into my tank and then … that’s when it happened.” I begin to weep. The women in the group encourage me to go on. “It hurt, it hurt so bad,” I exclaim. “It was too much for me, it was too much for me to handle, it hurt! It was 4 dollars a gallon!” I lose control as I completely sob, “the gas station raped me! It raped me in the butt! ….. In the butt!”

Flash forward to hours later, after I totally got thrown out of the Victims of Violent Crime support group, I realized that there was nobody who truly understood my plight. But it wasn’t really the gas pump that left me with a gaping hole in my backside. The gas station was no more at fault for my pain than that retarded kid was when I made him steal all them panties from J.C. Penny’s that one time that never happened. In reality, the gas station is just a retarded kid and I’m just putting panties over my face. Wait, no that’s not right. The point is, I like saying the word “panties,” and I’m crazy mad about gas prices and I have a long list of people to blame.

I will go through my list now … but I warn all of you … I’ve had a couple glasses of wine, and by “glasses” I mean bottles, and by “wine” I mean old medicine I found under the sink, and by “sink” I mean the homeless guy in the park who smells like dog pee and funyuns.

Actually the wine cost me less than 1 gallon of gas. I like my wine like I like my women. Cheap, bitter, and frequently leaving carpet stains.

I began to make a list of the 5 reasons why gas prices are so high, then I got distracted and made a list of the 5 female cartoon characters I would like to tongue kiss. Here are both lists in order of importance:

5. Gadget Hackwrench - She was the mouse on Chip n Dale’s Rescue Rangers. I know she was a mouse, and I know that it’s a little gross because she probably has disease and if we had children there is a good chance she would eat our young, but … she’s hot. She’s mouse hot, plus our children would be delicious.

4. The Little Mermaid - I know, I know … there is one major problem with this choice: Fish Vagina : / But … this is a list of the 5 cartoon characters that I’d like to make out with, and from the waist up, Ariel is all salt water hotness.

3. Bambi’s Mom - Don’t judge me.

2. Lady Jaye from G.I. Joe - She’s kind of tom boyish and even though she’s the girlfriend of Flint, I was always pretty sure she would rather be a community theater carpenter, but I still dig her. Together we would make out and shoot laser beams no matter what weapon we had.

1. Pocahontas - I’d like to poke her hontas. I’d make out with her good, while that little rabid raccoon of her’s watched, then I’d steal her land and put smallpox on her blankets.

Now less importantly, here are my 5 reasons why gas prices are asininely high:

5. Low U.S. dollar. Our dollar isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on by me at Kinko’s when nobody is looking. You know how we all use to drive up to Canada to shop when the U.S. dollar was worth so much? The Canadian dollar was just funny little monopoly money with an old lady on it. I could drive to Canada with 5 dollars and stay at a 4 star hotel and literally buy a French speaking house boy to press my undershirts. I’d go up there every year to buy my years supply of paint thinner and orthopedic mesh thongs, but now my money is no good there!

And why has all our money not only gotten all weird looking and colorful, but also worth so, so much less? Because … Carson Daily. I don’t know how just yet, but in some way that son-of-a-bitch Carson Daily has convinced my precious Republican party, (that’s right I’m a Republican, deal with it hippies!) anyway, Carson Daily has convinced my Republican party to completely lose their freakin’ minds and start spending like a Taiwanese prostitute at a herpes convention. And I don’t even know what that last reference means!!!!

My party use to be nice and stingy. Hippies kept wanting to spend money to give homeless people mopeds and fund plays about gay trees, but my party use to say, “no.” Sure hippies in the media painted them as villains. Sure the TV would say that Republicans were trying to cut down the rainforest with aids babies, but my party didn’t use to care. We ran a tight ship, kept spending low and let the free market rule. But then something happened. Somehow Carson Daily convinced them to start throwing money away like it was a bloody tampon. And now just like a bloody tampon, our nation is hanging by a string and a complete mess.

We spent more than we had. And we had to borrow. We did this through a complicated system of “treasury securities” that were purchased mostly by our own government and eventually find their way into secondary bond markets (it‘s way too complicated to explain.) Besides ourselves these securities are eaten up like dog organs by Japan and China and other nations. So in a way countries like China have us by the testicles. And I know what that’s like, I have a Chinese doctor. Dr. Wang. Dr. Harry Wang. So because we started spending way, way more than we had, our dollar is crap. What does that have to do with high gas prices? Well as it turns out oil is traded in … U.S. dollars. So that means because our dollar is so weak it’s inexpensive and it’s much cheaper for others to buy it … just like when we use to go to Canada to buy clothes, and livestock that know how to keep a secret. As far as the rest of the world is concerned right now … we’re Canada. And nobody wants that ay.

So that brings me to the number 4 reason why gas prices are assploding my brain.

4. Speculators. Or as I like to call them … the taint of the world. They aint reacting to actual supply and demand and they aint reacting to actual current events. Just like the perineum (google it), aint my balls and it aint my cornhole That’s exactly what Speculators are … they aren’t quite nuts and they aren’t quite a-holes, but they are pretty close to both. Here is a crazy short version of how speculators drive up oil prices … take a walk with Professor MRN into the study, fix yourself a stiff drink and let me lay some knowledge on you monkey style (what is monkey style? It’s when I dig something interesting out my butt and throw it everywhere) … ok … so oil is a commodity. Or in other words something pretty simple and basic that is the same universally. Like rice, or bananas, or midgets. The price is determined in future markets, basically it’s people betting how much something is going to cost down the road that greatly helps determine the price of something now. So in other words a bunch of dickweeds decide that oil is going to cost 250 dollars a barrel 5 years from now so they buy it all now in order to sell it for a big profit later. But the problem is that completely screws the holy hell out of everyone. Oil has doubled in about a year because of this kind of b.s. If a guy with a towel wrapped around his head so much as sneezes somewhere in the world speculators start screaming … “oh see, world war 3 is coming, lets buy oil now so we can sell to Mad Max beyond thunder dome later.” Gas finally went up over 4 bucks a gallon this week because some asshat in the government of Israel said that we might have to lay the smack down on Iran for building nukes. He was right, but will you please SHUT THE HELL UP SO I CAN FILL UP MY TANK WITHOUT HAVING TO SELL PLASMA TO FREAKIN DRACULA WHO LIVES UNDER MY BED!!!! WTF?!!!

Basically all you need to know about speculators is that they suck. Hedge funds suck, and that's a whole ‘nother thing that I don’t even have time to get into … but I do have time for my number 3 reason why gas prices are redunkulous: OPEC.

3. OPEC. Which stands for: Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries or O-ring Penis Eating Cowboys. The group is made up of the following countries, Algeria, Angola, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Kuwait, Libya, Nigeria, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, The United Arab Emirates , and last but not least Venezuela. Little bitches, each and everyone of them. Ungrateful bastards, we freakin’ saved half those countries and the other half are just asking, no ... begging for a hardcore old fashioned American beat down. Yet, these bastards along with Russia, Mexico, and Canada, yes … America’s hat, Canada … pretty much conspire to keep the supply as low as they can get away with to make the price go up. Which leads me to this little scene … picture it … you all wake up tomorrow and things have gone terribly, terribly wrong and I’m the president of the United States of America. I call for a joint session of congress in order to deliver a speech to the country and the world about my plans to keep oil prices down …

“My fellow Americans, I come to you, hehe … I said “come.” … I come to you tonight to talk to you about the serious issues our nation and our world face. I have a plan to lower oil prices overnight. Since we purchase more oil from the rest of the world than any other nation I have a careful and measured message to the oil producing nations of the world. And that message is this … GIVE US MORE OIL OR WE WILL F’N KILL YOUR ASS! Just give it to us. Just start filling up the buckets and sending them our way or we will use every gawd danged nuclear weapon and space laser we have. We’ll even use crazy insect sized weapons you don’t even know about. We’ll make your cell phones transform into tiny robots, crawl down your throats and rape your organs. We can do that, we have the technology. You will give us oil, and you will like it. And women. Send us your women, only your finest, cleanest and least willful women, you will do this by noon tomorrow or the rest of the world will look like a Amy Winehouse’s face … craters and hair.”

Reason number 34,530 why I will never be president : /

Which leads me to reason number 2 why gas prices are so high:

2. Hippies. Tree hugging, hemp wearing, patchouli stinking, hacky sack playing, Frisbee tossing, no good, damned dirty, commie hippie bastards. We have assloads of oil we could drill for, but the hippies wont let us. It’s not just the boat load of oil in the wasteland of ANWR in the Alaskan costal plain. It’s the oil literally begging to be drilled off our coasts. The freakin Chinese are drilling for oil 90 miles off the coast of Florida for communists Cuba but we wont drill because some fish might get yeast infections or whatever. And we don’t drill in huge sections of Alaska because a moose might get slightly uncomfortable if he has to step over a pipeline. The hippies actually said that caribou would all die if we built a pipeline in Alaska back in the early 70’s … you know what happened .. the animals freakin loved it. Seriously, they hang around it like teens at a mall. Because it’s warm! Alaska is freezing and even the animals were sick of have ballsicles so they got all up on the pipeline and love it.

We have so much oil. There was a crazy stupid amount of dinosaurs in the United States at one time until God got angry at them for buttsex and sent meteors down to destroy them and show who was boss. And because of that we have more oil than we can even use. I know a lot of people say it’s all a supply and demand problem. No. It’s true there are emerging markets everywhere. It’s true that China and India use a ton of oil now. It’s also true that countries like China supplement their markets by buying the oil themselves and selling it to their citizens at a loss, thereby jacking up the market and allowing for a higher growth rate than otherwise would exists. But even with the surge in demand, it’s no even close to the amount of existing supply.

We are literally sitting on oil. And I specifically, am literally sitting on about 20 pounds of raw meat. Stop judging me! It doesn’t even matter that we are forced to use b.s. ethanol ( putting corn in our gas tanks to make Al Gore get aroused). It doesn’t even matter that we haven’t built a refinery (what turns oil into gasoline) since the 70’s. It doesn’t even matter that we have to make different kinds of gas for different states, and cities because each one decides to be a little pussy about it and ask for something different. It doesn’t even matter that we add a bunch of taxes, federal, state, and city which adds considerable cost to every gallon. Those are all really bad things that we should demand be changed … but that doesn’t even matter as much as this:

We have more than enough oil for the world but we make it almost impossible to get it because hippies don’t want to piss off fish.

At 4 dollars a gallon i'm about to put baby bunnies in my gas tank to see if that does anything. You could tell me that there is oil in the middle of baby panda bear land. A fantastical place that I’m not convinced doesn’t exist. And if you told me that I would be the first to drive the bulldozer into the middle of it. There would be black and white mutilation everywhere, but you know what … you would be able to afford driving.

It’s the poor who get hit the most by the high gas prices. High gas prices mean higher food prices across the board. Even staple foods like milk and rice. So go ahead hippies … go around the world and tell the mother trying to feed her sick baby something other than dirt (no joke, some people in the world have to eat dirt now) … go ahead and tell them that they can’t have cheaper food because you want to make sure a few ocean squid don’t have to be slightly inconvenienced. But I know the hippies who wont let us drill for more oil wouldn’t do that. They wouldn’t go around the world on their high horses and tell everyone they have to suffer so they along with their fellow hippies can pretend to be better than everyone else. They wouldn’t do that because that would take balls. And hippies don’t have balls, instead they just have a sack full of granola. And nobody like granola, just like nobody like my number 1 reason we have high gas prices … CARSON F’N DAILY!

1. Carson f’n Daily. When Carson Daily was born his transsexual father/mother begged to be killed so that he-she wouldn’t have to live with the shame.

I pay more for gasoline because Carson Daily was born. It’s in the bible. Leviticus 3:53 And God sayeth onto Abraham, “someday I will sendith a massive tool to ruinith the world.” I’m not saying Carson Daily is directly responsible for high oil prices, but I am saying that Carson Daily is directly responsible for high oil prices. All I know is that before TRL I was filling up my tank for the same amount I was paying for a box of Midol. It’s a little known but true fact that Carson Daily has a enough oil on his hair and skin to supply the world’s demand for literally a million billion thousand years. However the hippies would never let us drill on Carson Daily because it would disturb the natural habitat of a variety of living things ranging from lice and ticks to crabs and barnacles. That’s right, Carson Daily has barnacles. He got them from Tara Reid … haven’t we all : /

Stay tuned for my next blog … and don’t forget to visit me at www.myspace.com/mrn and later this summer be prepared to have your mindz blown by www.MRNspace.com !!!!

Entry tools

• Blog about this
• Recommend this entry

About this entry

• No one has blogged about this entry yet.
• This entry has been recommended 0 times.