My worst blog ever!

By MRN

May 2, 2008

5 comments

I usually wouldn’t talk about something so lowbrow … but after the event that just took place … I am left with no other choice. I must tell you, I must tell the world about … the largest poop I have ever made!

My heart is racing and my mind is going a mile a minute … I have to slow down and get a hold of myself. Ok, let me set the scene.

It’s the middle of the night, I’m having a hard time sleeping. I have Sportscenter on the TV and I’m enjoying a tasty frozen yogurt while wearing less than pants. I’m thinking about the usual things a man pushing thirty thinks about during a restless night. I think about people from my past who are now gone from my life, my own future and mortality, and wondering what the genitalia of Spongebob Squarepants looks like. I decided it looks like his nose. So, there I am in deep thought when I suddenly felt … it. It wasn’t the normal feeling one has when they must make number 2. No, this was different. The only way I can describe it is that … I felt It just … existing … I felt IT deep in my man womb. It was kicking like a crack baby. I knew I was about to do something amazing.

So I grabbed a book about South American geography, Chile is a crazy long country by the way, and I went to the water closet to feed the old brown bucket. Sick!

As I sat there reading about countries that the United States should take over for fun (MRN for President in 2028), I let my mind drift to my usual bathroom thoughts. Before long I was far away from Warren, Ohio. I was in a galaxy far, far away … sitting on the Millennium Falcon’s space toilet dropping space bombs for storm troopers to step in … but back to reality … I was close.

I new this was going to be a something different because as I got closer and closer to pushing it out I realized … there was no pushing needed. It was leaving …on it’s own.

I was merely the host for this brown demon from hell. Twisted and anguished in the depths of my bowels, it slithered out from between my muscular buttocks and into it’s watery sanctuary. The process must have lasted for 10 minutes straight. A spider in the corner of the room began and completed a web before I was finished. As I let the brown devil escape I focused on the spider to prevent myself from taking a peek. I knew I wasn’t ready to see what was just inches below me. Just when it appeared I was finished I realized there was more, so much more. All of the spider’s tiny gross little eyes widened as it realized it was the only other living creature to witness this monumental event.

It made no sound. Like a crocodile with the advantage of millions of years of Darwinian evolution, it had developed an unparalleled proficiency for stealth. While I may have fathered this vile creature I was by no means it’s master. It’s actual constitution may have been made up of Lean Pockets, Raisin Bran, and a ridiculous amount Cheetos, it’s soul came not from anything placed into my mouth but instead by the evil that lied dormant in my once dark and menacing soul. Every agonizing, burning, remembrance collected throughout my 29 years was in that poop. It’s what gave it life. That wasn’t corn, that was my childhood.

I knew that I had finished the process when the air beneath me grew heavy. The oxygen had been spent and so had my colon. I was ready … ready to see this monstrosity. I stood up, my knees weakened by the fear that had overcome me. I slowly turned around toward the thrown. For a split second I convinced myself I was ready to see what had escaped me, but that was just the same kind of foolhardy false bravado that one has as a way to convince themselves they are stronger than they are. I was not ready … no man would have been.

I looked into the bowel at what I had just done. There are no words in all of the languages of this world that would do any sort of justice to what I saw. Imagine the most horrible thing you’ve ever seen, add that to the most glorious rainbow you’ve ever seen, now multiply both by a billion and then explode it with a nuclear bomb and then and only then will you begin to understand what I saw. It was beyond anything I had every imagined it could be. Usually when I make number two it looks exactly like Carson Daily, but this one … this one looked like the brown hand of God himself. This wasn’t a bowel movement, this was a sign!

It must have weighed 5, 10, maybe 20 tons or more. You could see it on Google maps. When I let go of the toilet roll, it began to orbit. A Frenchman crawled out from underneath and planted a flag. I knew I would have to find a way to flush both. But this would not be a simple task. Physics could not allow that. If any of you are experiencing a water shortage this morning, I apologize. 2, 3, 4 flushes? No, please, this isn’t amateur hour. I’m not some little girl huffing paint thinner so daddy wont hit me. I don’t even know what that means. But I do know that it took me a record breaking 9 flushes and a midget with a plunger to sink the brown battleship of doom!

I was almost sad to see it go. I watched as the coiled rattlesnake of glistening fecal madness made it’s journey to the next world. It was the shape of my entire digestive system, including my stomach, throat and mouth. I considered taking a picture of this epic event. But some things are better not seen. Frankly you couldn’t handle it. It would rock your world.

If you liked this, visit me at www.myspace.com/mrn and stay tuned for www.MRNspace.com for so much more stuff you’ll wish you never read or saw!

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