Happy Cinco De Mayo!

By MRN

May 6, 2008

3 comments

Happy Cinco De Mayo! I don’t know what that is. Something about tacos or whatever. Now for the real reason that I’m writing this … the worst human in the known universe, the “man” who is responsible for more agony and pain than all of the most horrible tyrants of the 20^th century combined … I’m talking of course about Carson Daily. When a goat made love to a bucket of mouse testicles, Carson Daily was somehow conceived. This will go down in human history as one of our darkest moments.

Carson Daily grew up as a young girl turning tricks on the streets of Moscow in order to get enough money to support her paint huffing addiction. It is said before she had her first botched sex reassignment surgery at the hands of a drunken gypsy, at the age of 18 that she had already acquired every communicable disease known to man. After spending 5 years in a Turkish prison for practicing animal husbandry for sport, the now “male” Carson Daily was sent to the United States as a mean joke.

After arriving in New York city, young Carson killed a hobo and stole his clothes. This was around the time that grunge music had hit it’s peak. This drew the attention of MTV executives, who at the time used street people exclusively for their on air talent. MTV had just launched a plan to slowly suck the life out of the entire world by shoving boy bands and the awful Jessica Simpson down all of our throats. Not unlike what they each had to have shoved down their collective throats to get on MTV to begin with.

A Machiavellian plan was then hatched. Destroy all that is good and replace it with all that is bad. They called this living abortion, Total Request Live. Although the letters T.R.L. in all reality stood for Tickle Rear Lightly. Which of course makes no sense whatsoever, and has nothing to do with anything. For this crime against nature, a host was needed. And whom better to be the captain of this Titanic death ship than the one and only Carson S. Daily.

They painted one of his nails black, put him in a fancy outfits and asked him to always look like he was too busy to shave. The kids loved it. Much in the way kids love dog food if you don’t tell them it’s dog food when you were that camp counselor that one time. After many years of Carson Daly performing television fellatio on countless boy bands and teen movie actors, Carson Daly tricked the masses into believing something horrible and sick. That he was a human being. A scandalous lie. Years passed by. And the world was able to withstand the onslaught from their television screens. We managed. We held together and got through this nightmare with the understanding that … it would eventually end. But we were all deceived. Deceived more than my first wife, and second, and third and …well you get the point. We were all tricked for Carson Daly did not go away. He also endured.

Years passed, a new vile plan called The Hills was launched and most of us have forgotten about the threat that was Carson Daly. But never forget. Never forget what he did to our world. What he did to music, what he did to shaving, what he did to those puppies when it was just him, a bucket of water, and a lack of consequences. That’s right, he also drowns puppies. You should never forget because he is still out there. Still on the television. Each weeknight after Conan O’Brien and before 3 hours of fat guys playing poker, Carson Daly is on our televisions. Looking more clean shaven and also a lot like Tom Hanks by the end of the movie Philadelphia, he sits … plotting. Waiting for his moment when Ryan Seacrest gets caught being inappropriate with a Filipino houseboy. For it is at that moment that Daly will launch his attack. He will try to find his way into all of our homes. He can not quench his thirst for blood and urine. He will never stop trying. He is the Terminator, minus the super strength, personality, and talent. If we don’t destroy Carson Daly, Carson Daly will destroy us.

Seacrest out.

 

myspace.com/mrn

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